Rachel Annoys The Hell Out Of Jacob Black
by i.eat.sugar.for.breakfast
Summary: Rachel: I'm bored, what shall I do today? Jacob: I don't like the sound of this. Rachel: I shall annoy Jacob! The next day Rachel: I shall annoy Jacob again today! Jacob: *groan* Rated T for teen. That sounded like a video game, lol.
1. Yelling In Russian

**I got bored and decided to make a story with some of these. It won't be just me though, Edward and family will make special guest appearances. Maybe even some characters from other series will come in and say hi. Mostly other vampires and people who hang out with said other vampires. I'll tell you all which annoying thing I'm doing at the beginning of each one.**

(Yell at him in Russian so he has no clue what you're saying.) I'll include translations afterwards for those of you who don't speak Russian.

Rachel: Мы все вопим в Вас на русском языке, но Вы не знаете то, что мы все говорим!

Jacob: What?

Edward: Я ненавижу Вас, Вы пробовали украсть мою жену! (BTW, this takes place _after_ Breaking Dawn.)

Jacob: I don't get it.

Alice: Вы убираете мой вид, таким образом я чувствую себя слепым!

Jacob: What are all you vamps talking about?

Jasper: Вы убиваете меня! Каждый симулирует быть сердитым, таким образом я чувствую себя еще более сердитым!

Emmett: Are we all talking Russian so Jacob doesn't understand again?

Edward: Yeah.

Emmett: Sweet! Я - липкий медведь! Да я - липкий медведь! О, я - перемещение, радование, пробка, поющий липкого медведя!

Rosalie: Emmett, Вы - такой попасть впросак.

Bella: Глупая собака.

Nessie: Не говорите о нем как эта мама!

Jacob: I'm leaving.

Everybody except Nessie: Он наконец пошел!

**Translations:**

**We're all yelling at you in Russian, but you don't know what we're saying!**

**I hate you, you tried to steal my wife.**

**You're blocking my sight so I feel blind! (I don't even rememver if that's what it was.)**

**You're killing me! Everybody is pretending to be angry so I feel all of it! (Not sure.)**

**I'm a gummy bear. Yes I'm a gummy bear. Oh I'm a moving, grooving, jamming, singing gummy bear!**

**Emmett, You're a goof.**

**Stupid dog.**

**Don't talk about him like that mom!**

**He's finally gone!**

**Those are just rough translations, I have no idea what I typed into the box, I did all of those before I typed them in English. Sorry if this story sucked, but it's only the first chapter. I like one of the others I'm going to do.**


	2. Edward Dazzles Me

**Dislcaimer: I don't even own Jacob's clothes, but it would be amazing if I did because I could take them back at any moment. ;)**

**Chapter 2 already? Let's just say there's nothing to do right now.**

(Start an "Edward Dazzles Me" club and elect him president.)

Rachel: _Pushing Jacob into room with blindfold on._ We're almost there! You'll love me for this.

Jacob: What's with all the female laughter? Did you dress me in a tutu again?

Rachel: No, never! You can take it off now.

Jacob: _Takes blindfold off._ Where the fuck am I?

Rachel: You're at your very first meeting of the "Edward Dazzles Me" club! They're about to elect a president. I nominate Jacob! _Walks out of the room_

Crazy Edward FanGirl: I second that! Any other nominations?

_Silence._

Same FanGirl: Congratulations Jacob, you're the new president!

Jacob: NOOO!

Rachel: _From next room._ Sounds like he won!


	3. Baseball

**Disclaimer: In my pockets I have 12 gum wrappers because I can never seem to find a trashcan when I need one, my student ID, my mp3 player, a pencil, my sister's house key because I stole it, and…wait, no, nothing regarding the ownership to the Twilight saga. I believe that resides in the pocket of Stephenie Meyer.**

(Have a pointless conversation on the phone with him based off of Abbot and Costello.)

Edward: Hello?

Jacob: Hi.

Edward: Go away.

Jacob: No. I'm bored.

Edward: Watch the game on TV

Jacob: What is it?

Edward: Baseball.

Jacob: Oh. I hate baseball.

Edward: I love it. I know everything about this team. Even there nicknames.

Jacob: If you are so good, then, name them all.

Edward: Ok. Who's on first, What's on second, I don't know is on third.

Jacob: I thought you said you knew who was on the team.

Edward: I did. Who is on first.

Jacob: Don't ask me that! I want to know who is on first!!

Edward: Naturally. Who's on first.

Jacob: Then tell me who is on first.

Edward: WHO!!

Jacob: Edward!! WHO IS ON FIRST!!

Edward: I JUST TOLD YOU THAT!!

Jacob: Fine. Forget first. Who's on second.

Edward: NO!! Who is on first. What's on second.

Jacob: What?

Edward: Exactly!! Then, I Don't know who is on third…

Jacob: Then who is on third?

Edward: WHO IS ON FIRST!! NOT THIRD, NOT SECOND, FIRST!! WHY DO YOU INSIST TO PUT HIM ON ANOTHER BASE?

Jacob: Forget the field. who's the pitcher.

Edward: NO!! Who-first!! Tomorrow-pitcher.

Jacob: I want to know who the pitcher is today, not tomorrow.

Edward: NO!! You will never get this right. Who is on first, the pitcher is Tomorrow!! The CATCHER is Today.

Jacob: Why?

Edward: He's in left field.

Jacob: What?

Edward: That's second.

Jacob: Then who…

Edward: Is on first.

Jacob: Because…

Edward: Is in center field.

Jacob: No, why?

Edward: NO, idiot werewolf, Why is in left field.

Jacob: I give up!!

Edward: That's our right fielder.

Jacob: Who is the right fielder?

Edward: NO!! Who is on first!!

Jacob: I don't give a damn!!

Edward: He's our short-stop.

Bella: Edward, what are you doing?

Edward: Messing with Jake's head.

Bella: Ok. Don't let Nessie find out.

Edward: I won't.

Jacob: So, I have a question.

Edward: Ok.

Jacob: Who is on first?

Edward: Bingo!

Jacob: What?

Edward: Is second.

Jacob: Whatever. _Hangs up._

**I did not think of this, somebody else did, but I forget who. Whoever it was, give yourself a pat on the back because you know who you are. I just did this one because they were all way to short and I wanted to make them longer.**


	4. Pants and Inappropriate Comments

**Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't own Twilight, and neither do you.**

**I thought this one was pretty funny, but that's just because I'm weird. And this is really short, so I'm doing two! That's what I'll do on all the shorter ones.**

(Steal his pants when he's in wolf form.) WARNING: Contains spoilers and content that may not be suitable for young children. Read on if you want, but remember, I warned you.

Jacob: Don't get me upset.

Rachel: _Being Edward._ Oooo! I'm a sparkly vampire! _Being Bella._ Oh my g, sparkly vampires are hot! I love you! _Being Edward._ I love you too. Will you marry me? _Being Bella._ Yes, but only because sparkly vampires are hot! And because I want sex! _Being Edward AND Bella, making out. Being Bella._ Oh my g, Edward, you got me pregnant! _Being Edward._ Fine with me, as long as I get to name her and then I can change you into a vampire afterwards, only so you can flip out on Jacob for imprinting on her!

Jacob: _Runs away and comes back with pants on string._ Growl!

Rachel: _Steals pants and runs._ Come and get me wolfie! _Uses vampire speed._ This is so fun Jake, if only you knew how it felt to be me and have pants!

Jacob: _Runs up and rips pants off only to reveal a pair of running shorts underneath._

Rachel: I'm not stupid! I knew you'd go for the pants! If you try to take my shorts, you'll bite my butt and I'll have to make a comment that is too inappropriate for the people reading this!

**Eventually, I had to give him his pants back because we got to the Cullen house and he needed to change back so he and Nessie could go shopping. That's even worse for him than having no pants.**

(Every time he does something, make an inappropriate comment about it.) Not recommended for the youngins to read.

Jacob: _In wolf form. Starts panting._

Nessie: Jacob, stop panting, it's turning me on. Woof woof baby.

Jacob: _Human._ Ohhh, this hot dog is sooooo good!

Emmett: Wow Jake, I didn't know you were into guys now.

Everybody Else: _Start to make a lot of gay jokes about it._

Rachel: Here Jacob, Merry Christmas!

Jacob: Thanks! Wait, what's this?

Rachel: It's a condom! I figured that since you and Nessie are getting serious, you might really need it because she's half-human and can still get pregnant.

Edward: WTF? Why the frick would he need that? Is there something you all aren't telling me?

Rachel: _Suddenly becomes very interested in her left shoe._

Nessie: Jake, open mine next.

Jacob: Is this what I think it is?

Nessie: No.

Jacob: A homemade coupon book. It says, "Dear Jake, I made this just for you. Inside this booklet are many coupons for various things.

Edward: _Pretends to choke._ What?!?

Jacob: Hehe. _Flips through._ What?!? Mow the lawn, wash the dishes, buy me some ice cream, brush your teeth; dog breath, buy crap I want but don't really need? WTF?

Nessie: I never said it was for you to keep. Whenever I need something done, I'll give you the coupon, and you do it, or you sleep on the couch. And there's blank ones in the back in case I think of anything else. _Winks._

Edward: _Retches._

**Those last two were really weird, with the gifts and all, but they were kind of inappropriate! I understand completely if you think I have problems, because I do.**


	5. Honeymoons and FanArt

**I'm eating right now, so I'm thinking better. Better isn't really that good, but it's not as bad. Aaaaaah! The salsa is burning my tongue! Anyway, this is stupid, but I thought it'd be funny. This one is mainly, "Rachel Pisses the Hell Out of Jacob Black and Makes Him Attack Her."**

(Make him watch the honeymoon scene from BD and look at E/B fanart, particularly 'PG13-NC17' rated ones.)

Rachel: Hey Jake, I have something to show you!

Jacob: This had better be good.

Rachel: _Turns on the TV and walks out so as to not puke her guts out from watching this crap._

Jacob: What the Hell is this shit?

Rachel: It's Edward and Bella's honeymoon. Remember when Bella said she was having a _real_ honeymoon?

Jacob: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't make me watch this!!!!!!!! Where did you even get it?

Rachel: Internet. Some pervs bugged the island. _Presses button to lock Jacob in the room with no escape because the walls are made of the stuff the robots in the Transformers movies are made out of._

Jacob: Let me out of here!

_After that train wreck is over._

Rachel: Jake, this is so funny, you've got to see this!

Jacob: _Walks in._ I still don't trust you after the last time, but I guess since it's funny………WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Rachel: It's rated R fanart of Edward and Bella. You've heard of that book, Twilight, right?

Jacob: Of course, who hasn't?

Rachel: It's basically the whole story of when Bella first moved to Forks. She even did some stuff from your point of view!

Jacob: What the Hell is this Stephenie Meyer's deal? Is she a stalker or something?

Rachel: No, Stephenie Meyer is Bella's penname. Bella Cullen is the _real_ author.**[I wanted to fit that in somewhere.]**

Jacob: I'm going to kill her!

Rachel: But not until after you look at all 8,540 of these pictures. _Presses button to lock the room again._

Jacob: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not the Transformers metal again!

Rachel: _Flips through the pictures, not looking at any of them because she is only "16" and that would be disgusting for her to see that.__**[I'm actually only 13.]**_

Jacob: _Feigns being dead to get her to stop._

Rachel: Jacob, I know you're not dead. You're so stupid. They're not _that_ bad! _Looks at the one they're on and feigns being dead until she can reach the mouse to close that and is now scarred for life._ I'm going to go ask Edward and Bella what the flip their problem is!

**IDK, I thought that would be funny, but I'm such a dork. I wopuldn't blame you if you just removed that from your memory, removed this from your favorites, removed me from your favorite authors list, and anything else.**


	6. FanGirl Blog Questions

**I really like this one and thinks it's hilarious. This is really long! I'm too lazy to put who's saying/doing it(that's what she said) before they say/do what they're going to say/do.**

(Go on his blog and read all of his answers to the annoying fangirl questions.) This is going to be good. FANGIRL QUESTIONS. Jacob's answers. _My comments._ **Bella's comments.** _Alice's comments. _Rosalie's comments.__**Nessie's commets **_**Edward's comments.**_

DO YOU MOLT?

Are you stupid or something? Werewolves only shed their fur. **[A/N: Jake already answered these questions before, but we're just going back and commenting on them.]**

**True, you should see the couch!**

_I don't really think I want to._

**And to think, I could've ended up with him!**

_Bella, don't complain, you've got the romantic husband._

_**Hehe, I know it.**_

_Stop being conceited, Eddie, we all know Jasper is the best out of all of you guys!_

Yeah, Emmett is a dork, but Jasper is just friggin' amazing.

_True dat._

DO YOU LIKE BEING A PARROT?

What? I'm a fucking werewolf you fucking retarded fangirls!

_Language Jakey?_

_**This just proves that I'm better than he is!**_

**Shut up Edward, or I won't talk or have any contact with you for a week. **_*cough cough*_

Hey! What are you doing on my laptop?

_Just reading your blog and answering all these questions the fangirls asked you._

DO YOU USE PRODUCT ON YOUR FEATHERS?

I don't have feathers you tardo!

**Why do you insist on giving him feathers?**

IS IT FUN DAZZLING BELLA?

I used to wish that I could, but now I wish I could dazzle Nessie.

_**I'm the only one who dazzles Bella! *stares at Bella***_

**............**

_Bella? Bella? Are you there? OMG, he dazzled her!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_**[Jasper] *stares at Alice***_

_............_

Alice? Alice? Are you there? OMG, he dazzled her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**[Emmett] *stares at Rosalie***_

……….

**Rosalie? Rosalie? Are you there? OMG, he dazzled her!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

*stares at Nessie*

**.............**

_Nessie? Nessie? Are you there? OMG, he dazzled her!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_I'm the only one left......._

DO THESE QUESTIONS ANNOY YOU?

If I told Rachel the answer to this, she'd ask me these questions all the time. Yes, they do.

_I feel the power running through my veins like my blood used to do! _**[A/N: I am the newest vampy! I don't have a mate yet. I feel like Edward, except I'm the last to be turned, not the first.]**

DID YOU TELL SAM I LOVE HIM YET?

I would, except that Emily would have to hunt you down.

_**[Everybody] No comment!**_

DID YOU DIE INSIDE WHEN BELLA CHOSE EDWARD OVER YOU?

Are you stupid? No, I have Nessie!

**Shut up Jake! You did too die inside when I chose Edward! You disappeared for like, ever! You only came back for the wedding, but just to tell me I made the wrong choice! But then you were all gung ho about it when Nessie was born!**

**Dad, is that true?**

_**Yes it is, yes it is.**_

**I'm going to kill him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alice, I need your nun chucks!**

_I was going to get you your own pair for your birthday, but I guess you can have them now. Green is mine, blue is Bella's, pink is Rosalie's, purple is Rachel's, and brown is now yours._

**Thanks! You better get ready to die Jake!**

*screams like a little girl and runs away* Help! Help! She's going to get me!

DO YOU SECRETLY THINK THAT YOU'RE THE SEXIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD?

Do _you_ secretly think that I'm the sexiest person in the world?

**Yes.**

_No! I openly think that Jackson Rathbone is the sexiest person in the world!_

HAS EDWARD EVERY READ YOUR MIND WHILE YOU WERE THINKING DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT NESSIE AND WAS LIKE, "WTF ARE YOU DOING, THINKING ABOUT MY DAUGHTER LIKE THAT?" AND YOU WERE LIKE, "D:"?

Maybe…

**What the frick was he thinking?**

_**I shall not repeat it!**_

**Please?**

_**Never!**_

***gets nun chucks* Now will you tell me?**

_**Nope! Nun chucks can't hurt me.**_

**Edward, tell her or I won't talk or have any contact with you for a whole week. **_*cough cough*_

_**Fine! I hate your twisted ways of torturing me, Bella! It was just disgusting thoughts about the first time you two had sex. Now somebody please beat me until I forget it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

**Better idea. *pulls into their bedroom and doesn't emerge for like, 2 hours.***

_**Okay, I'm good.**_

_**[Everybody else] EWWW!!!!!!!!!!**_

CAN I HAVE YOUR PANTS?

.......

**I'm going to murder this stupid fangirl!**

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF TIMMY TURNER?

He is the spawn of Satan.

_**[Everybody] ............ Stop being a freak Jake!**_

Older Posts

**I hope you enjoyed that stupidity. Rock'n'Slash came up with the original idea, except it was Edward. I used a few of the same questions as she did. The thing I said about Jackson Rathbone is completely true. He is the sexiest person alive. He also plays Jasper!**


	7. Meet Landon

**Third update today, I need a life. In this one, a new character comes into play!**

(Get your new mate to sing "The Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves" until he starts cursing in Greek.) I get a mate!…I just really wanted a mate. His name is Landon. When I hear that name, I think of Landon Liboiron from Degrassi: The Next Generation. He plays Declan, the hot one. On with the story!

Rachel: Hey Jake.

Jacob: Oh, hi Rachel, did you have fun reading my blog?

Rachel: No duh! Everybody did!

Jacob: Well then! Who's this?

Rachel: This is my new mate. Carlisle just changed him after he almost died from a car crash. Both his parents died though.

Landon: Hi Jacob, I'm Landon. *holds out hand* **[This Landon has brown hair and used to have blue eyes. In this story, I have blonde hair and used to have brown eyes. You needed to know!]**

Rachel: He's the newest Cullen! **[I am a Hale. The story is that I'm Rosalie and Jasper's younger sister.]** And he's 16, just like me!

Landon: So Jacob.

Jacob: Call me Jake.

Landon: Okay, Jake. You know what song I'm thinking of?

Jacob: What?

Landon: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes... I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes... I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes... I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes... I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes... I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes... I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes...

Jacob: Είμαι cursing σε εσάς, διότι κανείς δεν γνωρίζει τη γλώσσα και εγώ είμαι μιλώντας!

Landon: What did he just do?

Rachel: He started cursing in Greek. I told you he would!

Landon: I love you.

Rachel: I love you more.

_The couple starts making out on the couch._

Jacob: Eww, get a room you two!

Rachel: We have a room, we're just annoying you. _Presses button to lock the room with the Transformers metal like she did in chapter 5._

Jacob: _Sees Edward walk by._ Edward! Come here!

Edward: What's wrong?

Jacob: Look! _Points up the dialogue._

Edward: _Looks up._ Oh, Rachel introduced to you Landon already. Well, since you are my son-in-law, I guess I have to do this.

Jacob: I knew you'd help me!

Edward: Who said anything about helping you? _Takes out video camera._ I'm posting your reaction on YouTube! Hey Emmett, get in here!

Emmett: Yeah?

Edward: _Points up the dialogue._

Emmett: Oh, Jake met Landon. Are you posting that on YouTube?

Edward: Of course!

Emmett: Excellent.

**This chapter was mainly written to introduce Landon. He's going to be starring in them now. And because I really wanted to annoy Jacob with that song and have him curse in Greek. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Jacob, but it's fun writing these.**

**TTFN, Ta-Ta For Now,**

**Rachel x3**


	8. 119 Year Old Man

**Disclaimer: I'd like to say that I own Twilight, but if I do, the men in white suits will come and take me away.**

**How many flipping updates are there going to be in this amount of time? How much longer am I going to feel the need to type these? Is there going to be a random fact in this? Yes. When am I going to stop asking you questions? Now.**

(Constantly remind him that he lost to an old man. Get everybody to help.) This is going to be Landon's first official chapter! I'm so happy for this fictional character I made up in like 5 minutes!

Rachel: Jake, you lost to a 119-year-old man.

Jacob: Do not remind me!

Nessie: Honey, you lost my mom to my dad. As gross as that is, it's pretty pathetic if you think about it.

Jacob: It is not my fault she had a thing for vampires that sparkle!

Edward: Are you sure it wasn't just my _old man_ charm?

Bella: I'm pretty sure it was.

Jacob: Shut up!

Landon: I haven't even been here that long and even _I_ think that's really stupid.

Rachel: I haven't been here much longer than you have.

Emmett: Personally, I think he lost Bella because he's gay.

Jacob: I am not gay!

Alice: But you will be. I saw it in a vision.

Jacob: I will not be gay! You cannot make me!

Jasper: Since when does he have a conversation without using contractions?

Jacob: Since I am more amazing than you will ever be!

Alice: That's not possible, Jasper is so amazing that you can't even begin to comprehend his awesomeness.

Jacob: What? I do not understand the words you are saying to me.

Alice: Wow, you're really idiotic.

Jacob: _Drools on Carlisle and Esme's precious carpet._

Esme: :o How could you do that, mutt? Get the frick out of my house!

Jacob: _Goes outside. _**[Don't worry, crazy fangirls, he'll be back.]**

Nessie: I'm going to go comfort him.

Rachel: Why bother? He'll get over it in 5 minutes anyway.

Edward: She's right, we should all just go to our rooms and forget about it.

Nessie: Then what am I supposed to do, read?

Bella: Yes Nessie, that's exactly what you should do.

Nessie: _Touches Bella's face._

Bella: Ohhhhh....Don't worry, I won't tell Edward.

Edward: Tell me what? Bella, do you have your shield around Nessie again?

Bella: Maybe.

Edward: Okay Emmett, enough thinking about Rosalie in inappropriate ways. Just go to your fucking room. Bella, _please_ put the shield around everybody so I don't have to hear those dirty thoughts, and I can continue with my own.

Rachel: _Yelling._ Hey Jake, Edward is thinking dirty thoughts about you!

Edward: _Tries to kill Rachel for saying that._

Landon & Bella: _Try to stop Edward from attacking Rachel for that hilarious, but uncalled for, comment._

Rachel: _Being the smart cookie that she is, runs away, gets a lighter and Bella's favorite book._ Try to attack me and I'll burn the book!

Bella: Nooo! Not Bran Hambric: The Farfield Curse!**[My favorite book.]** Edward, if you make her burn that, I'll kill you!

Rachel: _Thinks _According to you, I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right. According to you, I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind. I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life, according to you, according to you. But according to him, I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head. According to him, I'm funny irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I've got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you. _Just so Edward won't hear her actual thoughts._

Edward: Rachel, you're thinking something that you don't want me to know.

Rachel: No I'm not. _Whispers to Nessie._ Tell your mom I said....._Words fade so nobody except Nessie can hear them._

Nessie: Okay. _Whispers to Bella._

Rachel: Now both of you think about something completely different so Edward can't hear it in your thoughts. Or you could just use your shield, Bella.

Bella: _Moves shield around Rachel and Nessie too._ This will only work if we all stay together all day long so be prepared to think of something else.

Rachel: _Holds up book and lighter._ This will only take a second.

Edward: Don't do it!

Rachel: _Hold lighter up to book and lights flame. _**[This really got off topic.]**

Edward: I'll go tell Jacob he can burn your diary.

Rachel: No!

Edward: _Yells_ Jake! Come in here and burn Rachel's diary!

Jacob: Yay! I get to come back into the story! Some of those crazy fangirls were starting to miss me.

Edward: _Gives diary and lighter._

Jacob: _Burns diary._

Bella: Jake, I'm going to kill you!

Edward: I don't get it.

Bella: Jacob just burned Bran Hambric: The Farfield Curse!!!!!!!!!!!

Everybody: OoOoOoOo, Jake's in trouble!

Edward: But I thought Rachel burned that.

Rachel: I burned my diary idiot!

Edward: Oh. Well Jake, it was nice knowing you.

Bella: Not so fast Edward, you told him to do it!

Jacob & Edward: _Run away as fast as they can, but not fast enough._

Bella: _Catches both of them and does.....something_ Everybody come here!

_Everybody walks outside._

Alice: Oh my Carlisle! That's so genius!

Rachel: What? I can't see it! _Is behind Emmett's big butt!_ I hate being as short as Alice!

Nessie: Stop complaining. _Touches face._

Rachel: _Sees Jacob in a net, hanging over a boiling pit of tar and Bella standing over Edward, holding her nun chucks._ Go Bella! Punch him in the face!

Bella: _Attacks Edward with her.......mouth._

Jacob: Please no! This is worse than the tar!

Landon: Shut up Jake, you lost to that old man right there.** [Thought I forgot, did you?]**

Jacob: I thought we stopped doing that like 10 lines into the story.

Jasper: Watch everybody just scrolled up to count.

Emmett: Well, I'm going to go to "YouTube."

Rosalie: Yeah, "YouTube." I'll be there too.** ["YouTube", in the Cullen house, is code for bedroom.]**

Alice: Jasper and I will be on "YouTube" too.

Caslisle: So will we.

Nessie: _Cuts Jake down._ Come on Jake, "YouTube" awaits.

Bella & Edward: _Had already gone to "YouTube" without anybody noticing._

Rachel: Want to actually go on YouTube?

Landon: Sounds like a plan.

Rachel: Just a second. _Grabs hidden camera from the bush and stops recording._ I have to post this.

**Random Fact: In the average honey bee's lifetime, it only makes about one twelfth of a teaspoon of honey total.**

**Well, that was rather long. It took like 4 days to type this! Stupid brain, not thinking of anything to type. I'm listening to "Fences" by Paramore and you should all listen to it sometime.**

**TTFN,**

**Rachel x3**


	9. Wheres the Money?

**Disclaimer: The day I own Twilight will be the day that Ryan Seacrest is straight. (Ooooh burn!)**

**OMG! 9 chapters! It's a personal record! This chapter will make the total amount of words 5273! Seriously, I put that number in after I typed the whole thing. BREAKING NEWS! My sister, who happens to hate Twilight, actually reads this! It's weird because she told me she'd never read one of my stories, especially the Twilight ones, but she reads this! Creepy. Time to annoy Jacob's pants off!**

(Ask him for the money, bitch.) WARNING: May not be suitable for younger children.

Rachel: _All cheery-like._ Hey Jake.

Jacob: You're oddly happy today. Did you win the lottery?

Rachel: Ha, I wish!

Jacob: Did you draw on my face?

Rachel: No.

Jacob: Then how are you going to annoy me?

Rachel: Jesus Jake! Can't you just accept the fact that I'm not going to annoy you today?

Jacob: No, because that's not what you do.

Rachel: But not today, I swear I won't annoy you today.

Jacob: Okay, if you swear.

_Later that day._

Jacob: Hey Rachel.

Rachel: _Punches Jacob on the face._

Jacob: What was that for?

Rachel: _Punches again._ Bitch, where's my money?

Jacob: What money?

Rachel: Where is it, bitch?

Jacob: I have no idea what you're talking about!

Rachel: _Drags into other room._

_In the room, there's a light, a table, and two chairs. It looks like an interrogation room. Rachel had Emmett set it up that way for the express purpose of dragging Jacob in there._

Jacob: _Is pushed into chair._ What money do you mean?

Rachel: You know exactly what money I mean, bitch!

Jacob: Why do you keep calling me bitch?

Rachel: Shut up, jackass!

Jacob: Well, that's better than bitch.

Emmett: _Steps out of darkness._ Give us the money, bitch!

Jacob: What are you talking about?

Nessie: You know what we're talking about.

Jacob: Nessie? They got you to do this too?

Edward: Not just Nessie, all of us.

_Everybody steps out of the shadows._

Carlise: I'm a doctor! **[Not funny unless you watched that one YouTube video.]**

Esme: We know honey, we know.

Carlisle: Bitch, in my medical opinion, since I'm a doctor, you owe us some money!

Jacob: Get away from me! _*screams*_ Stop! Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosalie: Scream all you want. Nobody will ever hear you.

**I got bored with this really fast. I hope you liked it. If you didn't, eh, I don't really care. This chapter isn't one of my favorites. Please review, I'll put up chapter 10 sooner if you do. I'm also working on a new story(big shock), so you should read that. And yes, it's more Twilight.**

**-Rachel x3**

**PS. Pictures of all characters, plus a character from chapter 10, are now on my profile page. Every character so far is there for those of you who haven't seen the movies. Okay, bye!**


	10. Mall Fun

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Yes, I do own Twilight! I am Stephanie Meyer!**

**Random Person: No, you're not.**

**Me: Why do you speak these lies?**

**Random Person: Because it's Stephenie Meyer, not Stephanie.**

**Me: GOSH DANG IT!**

**I got bored so I typed this.**

(Get him thrown in mall jail.)

_The Cullen crew is at the local mall because Alice dragged them all shopping. Rachel has decided to have some fun with Jacob._

Jacob: Rachel, why did you do that?

Rachel: Officer! This man is wreaking havoc on the mall!

Paul Blart: The name's Blart, Paul Blart. And I'm a cop, a mall cop. **[I tried to remember the actual line from the movie. Did I get it right?]** What seems to be the problem?

Rachel: He ran into the woman's dressing room, walked into a stall, and yelled "Does anybody have any toilet paper, I'm all out!" so every single woman screamed, including me!

Paul Blart: I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you to mall jail sir.

Jacob: NOOOO! Nessie will kill me!

Paul Blart: Who's Nessie?

Rachel: His girlfriend. They live together now and whenever he does something, she threatens to kill him, or makes him sleep on the couch.

Paul Blart: Well, I don't really care about his romantic life.

Rachel: None of us do.

Jacob: Officer Blart, please, you've got to believe me! She's lying! Rachel hates me! She is always doing everything she can to annoy the hell out of me!

Paul Blart: You know what? I was going to let you off, but then you dirtied up my mall with your potty mouth. You're going to mall jail this second!

Jacob: NOOOOO! _Is dragged off to mall jail._

Rachel: _Laughs at a job well done._

(Tell Nessie.)

Rachel: Hey Nessie?

Nessie: Yeah?

Rachel: Jake got thrown into mall jail for his potty mouth.

Nessie: I told him it was going to get him into trouble someday, but no! He didn't want to believe that. He's totally sleeping on the couch from now on.

Rachel: Can I beat him up after you bail him out?

Nessie: Be my guest.

(Beat him up!)

We don't really need to get into this. You know that it happened, so I'm just going to leave it at that.

**RAWR! I'M A DINOSAUR! Anybody ever heard the banana peels song? It's a parody of "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks and it's hilarious! Just go to YouTube and type "banana peels song" without the quotes. It should be the second one. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	11. Silver Spoons

**Disclaimer: I'm too lazy to think of one so I'm just going to say it, I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT! There you have it.**

**Hey, remember when I said Jackson Rathbone was the sexiest person alive back in chapter 6? Well, I changed my mind. My fake husband, Paul Wesley, is now the sexiest person alive. He plays Stefan Salvatore in ****The Vampire Diaries**** and is in this chapter with his girlfriend Elena and his brother Damon. And yes, this may contain spoilers from recent episodes.**

(Throw silver spoons at him.) Werewolf pun.

Jacob: Rachel, who is this?

Rachel: These are my new friends. Damon and Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert. Damon and Stefan are vampires.

Two Random Quileute Boys: _Randomly turn into werewolves._

Rachel: What are they doing here? They aren't a part of your pack.

Sam Uley: They are now! What are your names?

Boy #1: I'm Joshua.

Boy #2: And my name is Evan.

Rachel: How can you talk, you're in wolf form!

Evan: So we are.

Elena: What are they?

Rachel: They're simply shape-shifters. Read near the end of Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer and it'll explain everything.

Elena: Okay, where can I get one?

Bella: Here, read my author's copy.

Elena: How did you get this?

Jacob: Read chapter 5: Honeymoons and FanArt.

Stefan: Watch everybody went back to see if that was the right chapter.

Damon: So are we doing this or not? I need to go and sulk over Katherine not being in the tomb and not caring about me anymore.

Jacob: Who's Katherine?

Damon: The woman I loved.

Rachel: Shut up Damon, you're just mad because I can do this! _Runs into sunlight and starts sparkling._

Damon: Wait, is this that story I read in Caroline's room before the founder's party about that girl Bella who fell for that vampire, Edward?

Edward: I heard my name, what happened?

Bella: Nothing dear, we're just going to annoy Jake.

Edward: Is this going to be #11 on the list?

Rachel: Actually, it's #14 because there were a few chapters where we did more than one.

Edward: This one is funny.

Jacob: S_ighs_ What is it today?

_Everybody starts throwing silver spoons at him, Sam, Joshua, Evan, and the rest of the pack._

Wolves: _Scream_ WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

Rachel: Because in all those werewolf movies, they killed the wolves with silver bullets!

Jacob: Stop it or I'll turn into a wolf!

Nessie: Do it, wolf boy!

Jacob: _Turns into wolf and growls_

Nessie: Growl to you too baby.

Stefan: Are we missing something? Nessie is a vampire, right?

Elena: Read the book Stefan. _Gives him __Breaking Dawn_ It explains the whole thing that Nessie is only a half vampire and Jacob imprinted on her.

Damon: _Takes book and reads part_ What is this, porn?

Bella: Hey, I specifically made sure I didn't go into details about the honeymoon part!

Damon: Yeah, but in the movie, they're going to show the nakedness.

Rachel: Haha, I feel bad for Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. They gots to be nakey on camera.

Landon: Edward and Bella already did though. Remember that video you showed Jake in chapter 5?

Rachel: Yeah, but they had no clue there was a camera. How do you even know about that? You didn't show up until chapter 7: Meet Landon.

Landon: I read up to chapter 6 to see what I missed.

Rachel: Oh. Let's get back to throwing spoons!

_Everybody continues throwing spoons at the wolves._

Wolves: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**That was weird, don't you think? Any ideas about how I should annoy him next? Tell me in reviews. Do whatever you want in the reviews; tell me what your favorite color is, go into detail about your day today, tell me what you had for breakfast, whatever.**


	12. Provoked

**Rachel is bored right now so she feels like annoying Jacob some more! I don't like third person. So, yeah, I got bored and I want to do this right now. This one is directly from the list of ways to annoy him. I hope you likes this one.**

(Tell him you provoked the Volturi and blamed it on him.)

Rachel: Jake, I provoked the Volturi and blamed you.

Jacob: What! What did you do?

Rachel: I went on a mad killing spree in a werewolf costume that looked exactly like you in wolf form. I was also wearing a sign that said, "VAMPIRES ARE REAL! AND SO ARE WEREWOLVES!" They should be here soon since Demetri got the tenor of your mind when they all thought Nessie was an immortal child.

Jacob: Oh my God, are you serious?

Rachel: No way, why the frick would I do that?

(Then actually do it.)

Rachel: Hey Jake, I actually did it this time!

Jacob: What?

Rachel: I went on a mad killing spree through Volterra in a werewolf costume with the sign. See? They're right there! _Points to costume and sign on the couch_

Jacob: HOLY SHI-

Volturi: Open up!

Jacob: Rachel, don't let the in!

Rachel: It's open!

Volturi: _Come in_ We're here to get you, Jacob Black!

Jacob: Fan-fucking-tastic!

Rachel: Don't you mean fan-fucking-tabulous?

Jacob: That too.

Aro: We have to kill you Jacob, for you killed many people and paraded around with a sign that said, "Vampires and Werewolves Are Real! Plus, the Volturi Sucks!"

Jacob: You didn't tell me it said that!

Caius: Do you mean to tell us that it was this lovely, young vampire who did this when everybody clearly saw a werewolf running around?

Jacob: But the sign and costume she had are right there on the couch!

Volturi: _Looks over_ Where? There's nothing on the couch.

Jacob: What? _Looks_ Where'd they go? I swear to God they were here!

Volturi: We're going to kill you now.

Jacob: Oh shiznits! _Runs away really fast_

Rachel: _Turns to Volturi_ Thanks guys, here's your money. I owe you so much more than just some money.

Aro: Well, you could give us your car.

Rachel: No freaking way! Rose fixed it up special!

**So, I'm listening to Bo Burnham on YouTube, heard of him? He's hilarious! Anywayz, this idea just kind of hit me. Seriously, it really hurt my eye. I don't like when ideas do that. I have an idea for next chapter, but I don't know how I'm going to write that one yet. I'm really focusing on my other stories now. I've been sort of neglecting them a lot. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please tell me what you think of the story in reviews!**

**-Racizzle ;)**

**That's my gangsta name.**


	13. Random Songs, Alignment, and Formatting

**I've almost run out of ideas so I really need you to review! And no Amanda, I'm not doing that! Sorry, my sister was trying to feed me dumb ideas. Additional Characters: Zachary Porter, Cameron Quiseng, Nathan Darmondy, and Michael Martinez. Please enjoy my randomness.**

(Sing random songs.) My favorite band will make a guest appearance!

Jacob: Who's this?

Zach: I'm Zachary Porter.

Cameron: I'm Cameron Quiseng.

Nathan: My name is Nathan Darmondy.

Michael: And I am Michael Martinez. Together, we make…

All 4: Allstar Weekend!

Rachel: My favorite band!

Jacob: Alrighty.

Alice: OMG, Allstar Weekend! I LOVE YOU ZACH! **[Heheh, funny thing, I said that about five minutes ago. (//.-\)]**

Zach: Uh, thanks?

Bella: What's going on? Is that Allstar Weekend? _Squeals_ CAMERON, YOU'RE SO HOT! **[Again, five minutes ago. (//.-\)]**

Cameron: Yeah, I know it.

Jacob: So what's this about?

Rachel: _I don't wanna be surprised, I wanna take a journey to the end of my life. 'Cause I just wanna see what it's like. Am I loved or am I hated? In your face or understated? And how old will I be when I die? Do I turn out alright?_

Jacob: What?

Rachel: _I wanna be a rock star, a superhero. Living the dream. Doing the things that I always wanted._

Jacob: Are you okay?

Rachel: _I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes._

Jacob: Didn't we already do this with Landon?

Rachel: Who's Landon? _Stares at Zach and Cameron_

Jacob: Landon, your mate? _Yells_ Hey Landon!

Landon: Yeah?

Jacob: Rachel's going ga-ga over some boy band.

Rachel: 1, not just any boy band, Allstar Weekend! 2, only Zach and Cameron, they're hot!

Jacob: She just proved my point.

Landon: You know, she's just doing this to annoy you.

Jacob: _Sarcastically_ Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Landon: Thank you, Lieutenant Sarcasm!

Rachel: Good one!

(Align/Format the text weirdly.) IDK, this one is just going to be random blabbering. The text will be all over the place though.

Rachel: Hey Jake!

Jacob: What's going on?

Rachel: I'm messing with the alignment/formatting of the paragraphs, for the express purpose of confusing you. I really hope it's working because I'm just wasting my time saying this so it'll be justified. **[I really hope it will show up justified here on the website.]**

Jacob: Hey, why am I normal now?

Rachel: Because I'm cooler than you! You're so jealous!

**Jacob: No I'm not. I'm actually rather annoyed.**

Emmett: Are you messing with the alignment/formatting of the story today?

Rachel: Yeah.

_Bell dings._

Emmett: Ooo, my fajitas! _Runs into kitchen_

Jacob: _Looks confused and annoyed_ Does he even realize that you guys can't eat human food? That guy is really stupid.

Edward: Hey guys. Woah, this is different.

Jacob: Yeah, Rachel is messing with the text today. I really hate you. You know that, don't you Rachel?

Rachel: Of course I do. This will be a very long speaking part, just because I have hanging indent turned on and I want it to actually work. So Jake, I bet you're jealous that I have so much control over the text. Aren't you?

Jacob: Just a little bit.

Rachel: Good, then it's working perfectly. **Boldness!** _Italicness!_ Underlinedness!

_Jacob: Is that even a word?_

Rachel: The thing I'm typing this up on doesn't think so.

**Jacob: Can you**_** just end **__**this now?**_

Rachel: FINE!

**I hope you liked that. I liked messing with the alignment/formatting. I hope it shows. **

**-Rachel XD**


	14. Chatroom

**This one isn't annoying per say, it's just a peek into their lives when they're not annoying Jake.**

Screen Names:

Rachel: pattycakemcgooglygoof

Landon: bananacokeman

Bella: bellababy34

Edward: shparklez002

Alice: pixie_gurl327

Jasper: dasexii1

Rosalie: urmom

Emmett: flopsybunny486

Nessie: hlfvmp

Jacob: wolfieboi

flopsybunny486 has signed on

urmom has signed on

flopsybunny486: rosie babe! ur here!

urmom: any1 else here?

flopsybunny486: no not yet

pattycakemcgooglygoof has signed on

pattycakemcgooglygoof: heyo!

flopsybunny486: hey rachel!

urmom: hi

pattycakemcgooglygoof: aw rose dont pretend u dont luv me!

wolfieboi has signed on

wolfieboi: yo yo vampys!

pattycakemcgooglygoof: hi jakey!

wolfieboi: pattycakemcgooglygoof? is tht u rach?

pattycakemcgooglygoof: u bet! how goes it?

wolfieboi: i was good then i cane here and im sad

flopsybunny486: y?

wolfieboi: cuz rach is here!

flopsybunny486: so?

wolfieboi: so what?

pattycakemcgooglygoof: sew buttons!

flopsybunny486: good 1 rofl

shparklehz002 has signed on

pattycakemcgooglygoof: really ed? shparklehz002? ur not very creative!

shparklehz002: =P

dasexii1 has signed on

urmom: now thts creative! good job jazz!

pattycakemcgooglygoof: lulz

dasexii1: alice wont be happy u said tht

urmom: does it really matter? ur my "brother" after all

pattycakemcgooglygoof: nd im ur "sister"!

bananacokeman has signed on

bananacokeman: hey family!

shparklehz002: gotta luv the randomness of tht name

bananacokeman: thx eddiepoo

shparklehz002: :| u no I hate tht name!

wolfieboi: dont we all?

bellababy34 has signed on

pixie_gurl327 has signed on

hlfvmp has signed on

pattycakemcgooglygoof: hi girlies!

pixie_gurl327: hey we just got back from shopping!

bellababy34: *sigh* ya

flopsybunny486: whats wrong bellsieboo?

bellababy34: 1, that name, 2, i didnt get 2 go 2 hot topic

pattycakemcgooglygoof: y?

bellababy34: alice and ness didnt wanna go

pattycakemcgooglygoof: :o how could u!?

hlfvmp: who likes hot topic?

pattycakemcgooglygoof: i do!

hlfvmp: rlly?

pattycakemcgooglygoof: ya, its where I got my hot pink leopard print skinny jeans! **[No lie, I actually have those sweet pants.]**

pixie_gurl327: seriously?

pattycakemcgooglygoof: *holds up right hand* scouts honor

pixie_gurl327: holy shit!

dasexii1: language?

shparklehz002: brb

wolfieboi: ok vampy

pattycakemcgooglygoof: shut it jake

bellababy34: brb, Edward just came into the room

pattycakemcgooglygoof: I dont wanna kno wat he has in mind

shparklehz002 has gone idle

bellababy34 has gone idle

pattycakemcgooglygoof: …anybody else really creeped out rite nao?

wolfieboi: me

bananacokeman: i

hlfvmp: count me in

pixie_gurl327: i think we all r

flopsybunny486 has gone idle

urmom has gone idle

bananacokeman: ew

pixie_gurl327 has gone idle

pattycakemcgooglygoof: plz dont say jazz is going idle 2!

dasexii1 has gone idle

bananacokeman: y the need 4 every1 to go idle?

hlfvmp: i dont get it either

wolfieboi: ness dont pretend we dont do tht all the time!

pattycakemcgooglygoof: 2 much info!

bananacokeman has gone idle

wolfieboi: rachel if u go idle ill hit myself

pattycakemcgooglygoof: as much as i would luv 2 see tht landon is just getting a banana and a coke

wolfieboi: o tht makes sense

bananacokeman is available

bananacokeman: were all out of bananas but i got my coke!

pattycakemcgooglygoof: brb

hlfvmp: k

bananacokeman: wait rach just walked in. she wants 2 tell me something and says i should stop typing everything she says. o

wolfieboi: so ness, wat shall we converse about while they "talk"?

hlfvmp: did u just say converse?

wolfieboi: i think i did

hlfvmp: omg u said a big word!

banancokeman: bak!

pattycakemcgooglygoof: im bak 2. omg jake, u said a smart word!

wolfieboi: *squeals* i know! i feel smart!

hlfvmp: did u just squeal?

wolfieboi: maybe…

pattycakemcgooglygoof has gone idle

bananacokeman has gone idle

hlfvmp: rlly? them 2?

wolfieboi: i no! theyre the least likely 2 do tht!

hlfvmp: wht do we do now?

wolfieboi: t or d?

hlfvmp: y not?

wolfieboi: yay! ness, t or d?

hlfvmp: uh, t

wolfieboi: k, wats ur fav kids show?

hlfvmp: sesame street all the way! t or d?

wolfieboi: d!

hlfvmp: i dare u 2 think sexual thoughts about my mom around my dad!

randompersonudontno has signed on

wolfieboi: ooo a person we dont no!

randompersonudontno: nessie, jake made out with ur mom, twice

randompersonudontno has signed out

hlfvmp: WAT!!!!!!!!!!

wolfieboi: that may be true but it was cuz i thought I luvd her but i really luvd u even tho u werent born yet

hlfvmp: o ok

wolfieboi: y do u want me 2 do tht?

hlfvmp: 2 annoy him!

wolfieboi: o tht makes sense

hlfvmp: so wat do we do now?

pattycakemcgooglygoof is available

bananacokeman is available

bananacokeman: did u miss us?

hlfvmp: im surprised at u 2! u seem like the least likely 2 do tht!

pattycakemcgooglygoof: uh, we were helping carlisle and esme with stuff

hlfvmp: o

wolfieboi: thts not even close 2 wat we thought

bananacokeman: u thought we were doin wat everybody else is doin?

wolfieboi: uh ya

pattycakemcgooglygoof: get ur minds out of the gutter!

hlfvmp has signed out

pattycakemcgooglygoof has signed out

bananacokeman has signed out

wolfieboi: only me left

wolfieboi: lonely, im mr lonely, i hav nobody, for my own

randompersonudontno has signed on

wolfieboi: not u again!

wolfieboi has signed off

randompersonudontno: i forgot 2 annoy jake today! o well!

randompersonudontno has signed out

**This took forever to type! It was all the screen names I had to remember, not misspell, and fix if the program capitalized them. Yeah, randompersonudontno was me. Brownie points if you guessed it! More brownie points if you know who the song used in this is by. Hint: the song was "Lonely." Jacob was singing it. Screw the brownie points. The first three people to guess who the song is by get a special preview of chapter 15!**

**-pattycakemcgooglygoof**


	15. Everybody Part Un

**This might just be the longest chapter I ever do! I have to split it up into 2, or more, because it's that long. It's only long because I need thoughts to explain this one so it's going to be with POVs. The whole first paragraph will be just about my super freaking awesome vampire power that none of you, except my sister, knows about yet. I hope this turns out ok.**

(Annoy everybody else so he's waiting for you to annoy him which, in turn, will annoy him.)

RachelPOV

I don't think I ever told you guys about my awesome power. I can absorb any vampire power I come across. I now have all my family's powers and the powers of the Denali coven. I can't wait until we go and visit the Volturi. Now onto the annoying part!

[Edward] (Have fake visions.)

I walked behind him and faked that I was having a vision. I could tell from his thoughts that he bought it. In the fake vision, he, Bella, Emmett, Landon and I were sitting in the family room watching television. Suddenly, Emmett turned from the TV, jumped over to Bella, and the two started making out. After that fake vision, I had a real one. Edward was torturing Emmett with Carlisle's not-so-secret stash of medieval torture stuff and beating him with Bella's blue nun chucks. I then proceeded to change the vision with Jasper instead of Emmett. Then Jacob, then Landon. Each time, Edward's plans of torture changed as well. It took him about an hour to figure out that the visions were fake.

Suddenly, a random fangirl walked up and asked, "Hey aren't you that guy from Harry Potter? Cedric Diggory, wasn't it?" **[A/N: My sister made me do that, but I made it funny with this next part.]**

After Edward left, I pulled the girl aside and whispered, "Here's your $100 kid," as I slipped the money into her pocket.

[Alice] (Steal her favorite shoes and hold them above your head shouting, "Jump for it!")

"Rachel, give me my favorite pair of shoes back!" Alice yelled as I ran out of her and Jasper's room, shoes in hand.

When she finally caught up with me, I simply held the shoes above my head and yelled, "Jump for them Alice, jump!"

Soon, the whole family was in the room. Emmett pulled a video camera out of his pocket and started recording.

"Hello YouTubeonions!" **[Inside joke.]** I said, "This is my adopted sister, Alice, trying to get her shoes back from me. Enjoy watching her shortness!"

After a few minutes, I took pity on her and gave the shoes back.

[Jacob]

JacobPOV I sat on the couch as Rachel uploaded the video to YouTube. She already annoyed Edward and Alice, but who's next? I'm just worried about what she'll do to me. I really want to get this over with. Please let it be soon.

[Everybody Except Jacob] (Cast them all in a weird movie with no plot.)

I handed Emmett a script for the movie, "Your parts are highlighted."

"Hey!" he said as he flipped through, "I said I wanted to be the magical unicorn!"

"Sorry," I said, "but Jasper already pwn3d that part. Besides, you look more like the creepy stalker rapist!"

Bella looked up, "What kind of movie is this anyway?"

"Hey! I'm not paying you to ask questions!" I directed at her.

"Actually," she responded, "you're not paying me at all."

"Just go over there and be Hobo #2!" I watched her walk over then said to Emmett, "Okay Em, just walk over there and act all stalkerish."

He got into position. "Action!" I called.

My movie had gone perfectly so far. Jacob was the cameraman, Carlisle was the business man randomly wearing a swimsuit, Edward was the duck addict, Landon, Bella, and Nessie were the three hobos, Emmett was the creepy stalker rapist, Alice was the model with horrible taste, Jasper was the magical unicorn, and Rosalie and Esme are the crazy civilians. Don't worry, there aren't any lemons in my movie!

"Cut!" Jacob stopped the camera. "Bella, that was all wrong! You're supposed to pick up the rubber duck and toss it into the hat, waiting for Edward to come and steal it, don't chuck the fricking thing! You need to look like you have a duck fetish Edward, not a duck allergy! Landon and Nessie, you need to switch parts, Landon sucks at being Hobo #1! You're doing wonderfully Emmett." They all followed their orders and we continued, "Action!"

We should come back to this train wreck later.

[Rosalie] (Steal Jacob's list of stupid blonde jokes and read some.)

"So there was this blonde lifeguard on duty. She heard a girl scream, 'Lifesaver! Lifesaver!' so she shouted back, 'Cherry or grape?' There was another blonde that was on an airplane with a dude. They were playing a game where they asked each other questions. If the man didn't know the answer, he paid $100. If the blonde didn't know, she paid $10. The man starts it off with, 'What is the square route of pi?' to which the blonde hands him $10. Next, the blonde asks, 'What is green and purple, has three legs, and stands on hills?' After a minute of contemplating, the man hands her $100. She turns and starts coloring in her coloring book. The man gets her attention back and asks, 'So what's the answer?' The blonde hands him $10."

Rose then proceeded to beat up Jacob. It was funny.

[Jasper] (Walk around calling him Jaspar Cullen.)

"Hey Jaspar!" I called.

He turned to me, "It's Jasper!"

"No, it's Jaspar, J-A-S-P-A-R. Jaspar Cullen."

"One, it's J-A-S-P-E-R, two, it's Hale, not Cullen."

I stared at him, "Are you sure? We are the Cullen clan after all."

"I'm positive," he stated plainly and walked away.

Well, if I can't call him Jaspas Cullen out loud, I'll do it inside my head. At least I'm safe inside my mind.

"Jazz, Rachel is calling you Jaspar Cullen in her head!" Edward blabbed.

I HATE YOU EDWARD CULLEN! I hope he heard that. Not even my fucking mind is safe from being read. I guess it's time to move on.

**Emmett is next, but this is all I had written so far. I'll try to get part 2 up soon. Want a preview? Did you notice the two underlined parts? The first one, just tell me the square route of pi. I'll know if you used a calculator. The second one, tell me what TV show that sentence was from. If you get either right, I'll give you a preview of Emmett's and maybe a little more of the weird movie. Only the first 3 people for each will get the preview though. I hope you liked this, and also, this is mainly to my sister, Amanda, AKA alias093001, if you have an idea for a future annoyance, you **_**MUST**_** tell me in a review! I won't take any others, even if we're in the same house.**


	16. Please Don't Kill Me!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I do own my birthday!**

**Sorry readers, but I really have to say this.**

(Get people to read this author's note that explains why I haven't been updating.) *hopeful smile*

Rachel: FAMILY, GET IN HERE!

Family: _Runs in_ What do you want?

Rachel: I need to tell the readers something and you all have to help me!

Family: With what?

Rachel: Telling them why I won't be updating for a while.

Family: And why is that?

Rachel: Because I'm focusing on updating other stories and my birthday was yesterday!

Family: Really?

Rachel: Honest to true!

Family: OMG!

Rachel: I know right?

Logan Lerman: I have a birthday present for you Rachel.

Rachel: _gasp_ A little late for that, but what is it?

Logan: _Gets down on knee and pulls out ring_ Will you marry me?

Rachel: No, I already have Landon.

Landon: HAHA! A girl turned down _Logan Lerman_ for _me!_

Logan: Whatever, I have a billion other fangirls who would love to marry me!

Jacob: !

Everybody Except Jacob & Rachel: What?

Rachel: It means "Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off, Biting The Carpet, Scaring The Cat, Then Nearly Dying By Falling Out The Window In Front Of A Guy Who Looks Like Bill Gates, Who Then Runs, Horrified, Out On The Street And Is Accidentally Killed By A Yellow Bulldozer!"

Everybody Else: Alrighty then.

Rachel: ROTFLYSST!

Everybody Except Jacob & Rachel: What?

Jacob: It means "Rolling On The Floor Laughing Yet Somehow Still Typing!"

Edward: What does that have to do with anything?

Rachel: I was laughing while typing this story. _Starts singing_ "We're going down, down in an earlier round. And Sugar we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet. A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it!"

Jacob: You're really weird Rachel, really weird.

Rachel: I knows it!

**I'm really sorry, but I can't think of anything for these either. The movie is taking a long time to write. I'm trying to think as randomly as possible.**


	17. AVPM

**Ha! I bet you didn't expect to hear from me today! Well, this chapter will be about my favorite musical, "A Very Potter Musical" by StarKidPotter on YouTube. Yes, I know, this is a Twilight story, but I figured that talking about Harry Potter would annoy Jake the most. Don't worry, we'll get back to annoying everybody else later on. Just bear with me on this one.**

(Say random lines from "A Very Potter Musical" in conversation.) Not sure how this one is going to turn out.

Rachel: Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel the glares of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt.

Jacob: What?

Rachel: I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I gotta get back to school!

Jacob: I don't get it.

Rachel: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!

Jacob: What the hell is a Hufflepuff? **[AN: Dumbledore actually said that after Cedric(Robert Pattinson :|) said what I said.]**

Rachel: I'm tired, can't we just be Death Eaters?

Jacob: What's a Death Eater?

Rachel: Pigfarts is on Mars!

Jacob: Okay, what is Pigfarts?

Rachel: Only the greatest wizarding school in all the galaxy!

Jacob: Okay...?

Rachel: Rumbleroar is the headmaster of Pigfarts. He's a lion. Who can talk.

Jacob: Rach, you make no sense.

Rachel: Jacob! I thought I told you all to not call me Rachel anymore! I'm Shelly!

Jacob: But if you change your name now, then you'll have to change the title of the story. People would get confused.

Rachel: You're right. I'll wait until the sequel. **[AN: Hint hint!]**

Jacob: Good.

Rachel: Everytime I look at her I get these pains in my chest and I just know it's her fault, that bitch!

Jacob: Who?

Rachel: Now you're just being cute. I CAN'T GO TO PIGFARTS. IT'S ON MAAARS, YOU NEEED A ROCKETSHIP. Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. Look at this; Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter. Moonshoes Potter. TRAVERSING THE GALAXY FOR INTETRGALLACTIC TRAVELS TO PIGFARTS!

Jacob: What the hell are you talking about?

Rachel: Begin invisible man search! _Starts walking around flailing arms_

Jacob: What invisible man?

Rachel: Oh my god, that is a boss Zefron poster!

Jacob: Do you mean Zac Efron?

Rachel: What would Zac Efron say at a time like this? _Sings_ We're all in this together.

Jacob: Why are we dragging HSM into this?

Rachel: So many regrets; I'm dead.

Jacob: _Hopeful_ Really? Is this for true?

Landon: _Runs in and uses the Snape voice_ What the devil is going on in here?

Jacob: You mean you could hear the whole conversation?

Rachel: _Gasp_ Landon! Pretend to be Malfoy about to kill Dumbledore! Jacob is Dumbledore! I'll be Snape!

Landon: _Points stick at Jacob's face_ I can't do it.

Rachel: Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!

Jacob: Do I have to pretend to die now?

Landon: That was the most badass thing I've ever seen in my life, too bad no one was here to see it. It was like an outburst of pent up aggression.

Rachel: That's Lavender Brown! Racist sister!

Jacob: Rosalie is racist?

Landon: _Snape voice_ What the devil is going on in here? _Normal voice_ Woah, déjà vu.

Jacob: Why the %#$ are you doing this?

Rachel: Woah, when did this get censored?

Jacob: It isn't, I just did that to annoy you.

Rachel: Well, it didn't annoy me one bit.

Jacob: &#$% it!

**Well, now that that's out of my system, I can get back to writing the everybody chapter! 'Til then!**

**-Shelly =)**


	18. Everybody Part Deux

**I'm baaaaaaack! I don't know whether or not I made this certain, but I'll only use this kind of writing on a few chapters, some people have been asking me about that. Also, I'm thinking that I'll only do 20 chapters of this, then do the sequel. Have you ever heard of the song "Ain't No Rest For The Wicked" by Cage the Elephant? Weird band name, I know, but it's a good song. It's about a prostitute, a mugger, and a preacher. Anyway, I promised I'd finish this, so here we go! Also, it's one of the longest chapters I've ever written.**

(Annoy everybody else so he's waiting for you to annoy him which, in turn, will annoy him.) Continued.

[Emmett[ (Steal his stickers.)

I watched in amusement as Emmett ran, franticly, around the house, searching for his stickers.

"I know where they are Emmett."

He ran over, "Where?"

"I'm not going to tell you!" I acted shocked. Luckily, I got Jasper to help me. "That wouldn't be very fun."

I watched him as he continued his search, everywhere except for the coffee table. They sat in the drawer, but he didn't look there. Edward snickered and I shot him a dirty look.

Pretty soon, Emmett was at my feet, begging. "Please tell me! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" I raised an eyebrella. **[A/N: eyebrow]**

"ANYTHING!" he shouted in my face and shook my shoulders.

"Okay," I started, "one, never do that again, and two, you are now my slave for the rest of eternity! Or at least until I get bored with it."

He nodded, "Yes, yes, fine, fine, now tell me where they are!"

I pointed to the drawer and he ran over and pulled them out. "Now go clean my and Landon's room. Esme has been bugging me about that for a while now."

[Everybody] (Back to the plot-less movie.]

"Okay," I yelled, "we're behind schedule so move it people! Jasper! Put your unicorn head back on before you ruin the magic! Edward! Stop molesting the ducks!" I thought about it for a moment. "Wait, no! Keep molesting them! It's good and it makes no sense, which is why it's perfect!" I made some minor adjustments to the script. "Action!"

"Cut!" somebody behind me called. I turned to see Alice in a duck suit.

"Oh no way am I molesting Alice!" Edward screamed. Bella growled quietly.

"Why am I a duck? I thought I was supposed to be a model with horrible taste!"

"You are. You're _modeling_ the duck suit!" I stated plainly.

She groaned and went to what she thought was her marker.

"Go to your marker Alice."

"But this is my marker," she pointed to the yellow duck I painted on the ground.

"No, that's where the giant duck doll goes!" I snapped my fingers and Seth Clearwater brought out the duck I just recently purchased. "Edward, meet your new mate."

Bella let out another low growl. "No freaking way am I allowing you to continue to do this to my mate! Come on Edward, let's go to "YouTube"." **[Remember this?]**

"Ehmagawd, that was from like, chapter eight, wasn't it?" asked Jacob, sounding very gay.

"Oh my Jasper, that sounded very gay Jacob." Alice said as if she was the mind reader.

Haha Edward, I've replaced you! Nehnehnehnehneh!

I checked his thoughts for a response. All I got were dirty images and creepy sex noises.

"My eyes!" I screamed, running away. "I need to burn my eyes and ears!" A little louder I added, "I'ma kill you Edward!"

I started to run again, but Alice caught my arm. "I can't let you do that Rachel. Think of the family. You'd never be able to annoy Jacob ever again. You'll never be able to prank call people in your little sequel, Rachel Prank Calls Everybody or whatever you're going to call it." **[I'm not Shelly anymores, sorry.]**

"I hate you Alice!" I yelled. "This is why Rosalie has always been my favorite!"

[Esme] (Blow up Edward and Bella's old cottage she spent so long redecorating.)

"Slave!" Emmett rushed in. "Get the dytnamite! We're blowing stuff up." I said with glee. He got this maniacal look on his face.

We blew up the cottage and ran away.

[Nessie] **[Reader: Wait, what about you and Emmett? Why are you cutting it so short? Me: I've been typing this chapter for like 3 weeks, nuff said. Reader: You're a jerk! Me: I know. On with the story!]** (Use the new power you got from a nomad to change her outfit at random moments.)

Not even getting into this.

[Edward] (Cut him off from being near Bella in any way possible and then torture him with it.) Yeah, annoying Edward is just fun. **My one friend wrote a part of this, her part is underlined.**

"Dare," Edward challenged me.

"Good choice." We were playing Dare or Dare. Why? Because Truth is for losers who aren't vampires! "I dare you to not be near Bella for a whole week!"

Bella smiled at me, "You're my hero Rach!"

"Bella? You're going along with this!" Edward glared at me.

"Well yeah, I've been looking for a way to get back at you since you ripped my new shirt the other day." she shot an evil glare at him.

"It wasn't my fault!" he pleaded, "If the damn thing wasn't so tight, A, I wouldn't have literally carried you up to our room and B, it wouldn't have ripped when I tried to get it off of you! Please spare me this torture!"

**I'm sorry, but I'm stopping this here. I know I promised everybody, but I've been writing this for a couple weeks now and it's really starting to bore me. You're more than welcome to continue this chapter on your own if you so choose, but I had ideas for the net 2 chapters and I can't do them if this one doesn't end. Again, really sorry, but I still love you!**

**-ME!**


	19. FanGirl Blog QuestionsAgain?

**You may hate me because of last chapter, but I'm really sorry I had to quit that, it just wasn't going anywhere interesting. I got the idea for this one after doing chapter 6, but just remembered it now.**

(Answer fangirl questions on _my_ blog!) FANGIRLS _Me!_ Jacob **Bella** _Alice _Rosalie **Nessie **_**The rest of the guy**__**s**_

WHY DO YOU LIKE TO ANNOY JACOB SO MUCH?

_Because it's fun!_

No it's not!

_You only say that because you're the only one getting annoyed._

True, but not last chapter! That was annoying to me, waiting for you to annoy me, but you never did.

_Oh yeah, hey Melvin!_

_**[Melvin] Wait, what? Why is that thing Melvin now? It's supposed to say Edward!**_

_My story, my rules._

_**[Melvin] What?**_

_How did that dare work out for you?_

**He caved! =)**

_Bragging rights!_

HAVE YOU EVER MET THE VOLTURI?

_Yeah, I was a part of the guard for a while, but I left.  
_

WHY?

_Because I'm way too epic for them._

CAN YOU ASK JACOB TO SEND ME SOME OF HIS PANTS?

_*inhales dramatically* No._

DO YOU HAVE A SAMURAI SWORD?

_Sadly, no._

WHY NOT GET ONE?

_Because I can't find them in stores._

**To eBay, AWAY!**

DO I GIVE YOU GOOD IDEAS?

_NO!_

DO YOU LOVE ME?

_I actually kind of hate you, you stupid fangirl._

WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?

_Because you annoy me like I annoy Jake._

That's saying something!

HAS EDWARD EVER READ YOUR MIND WHILE YOU WERE DOING "THE NAUGHTY" WITH LANDON AND HE WAS LIKE "ZOMG! WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU DOING?" AND YOU WERE LIKE "D="?

_There was one time..._

_**[Landon] Really? Huh, must not have been paying attention.**_

_No, you had other things on your mind that time._

_**[Edward] Why me? …Yay! No more Melvin!**_

_At least you don't have to hear you and Bella!_

IS JACOB GAY LIKE ALICE PREDICTED IN CHAPTER 8 YET?

_Not yet, but it should happen eventually._

_Somebody actually remembered that?_

**Weird.**

CAN YOU ASK REAL RACHEL WHY SHE'S SUCH AN AWESOME WRITER? **[AN: I swear to God, somebody actually asked me that one time.]**

_Can I ask you why you're such a gnork?_

WHAT'S A GNORK?

_Geek, nerd, and dork mixed together. Only my BFFs and I are allowed to say it._

I HEARD THIS WAS THE LAST ANNOYING PEOPLE CHAPTER, IS THAT TRUE?

_Technically, this isn't annoying, per say, but yes, the next chapter will be an introduction to the sequel, sorry._

BUT WHY? I LOVE YOU!

_Good to know, I have no other ways to annoy Jake that would actually annoy him._

Victory!

WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK OF TIMMY TURNER?

_I think he should just take Trixie Tang out for a Happy Meal and be done with it! You know he wants to._

That doesn't change the fact that he's the spawn of Satan!

**Well, I guess that's it for this story. It's been real. Well, not really, since you're only reading this, but I love you anyway! Except you, sister of mine. =|**

**-ME!**

**P.S. I'll have that introduction up A.S.A.P.!**


	20. Final Chapter and First Prank Call

**=`( Last chapter.**

Rachel _Jacob_

Ring ring. Pick up.

_Hello_

(Disguised voice) Hello sir. I'm calling to confirm your order of 3000 condoms to 4 Privet Drive, is that the correct address? (Recognize it?)

_Condoms? I don't use that shit! Those are for losers!_

(Edward in background) WHAT? You're not using condoms with my daughter? She's half-human you know, she can get pregnant!

(Bella in background) What's this I hear about being pregnant? Edward, are you telling the story again?

(Edward) No dear.

Half-human? What about the other half, Mr. Black?

_Uhh, nothing. Wait, how do you know my name?_

I know many things Mr. Black. I know what you are.

_Say it, out loud. Say it._

(Edward and Bella in background) Woah, déjà vu.

Werewolf.

_Holy shit! How did you know that?_

I know many things, Mr. Black. I also know that you hate me. Though; to quote you, hate is a passionate emotion. My name begins with not a vowel.

(Landon in background) What on Earth are you doing?

(Not disguised voice) Shut up, you're going to ruin it Landon!

_Rachel? What are you trying to do to me?_

(Southern accent) Uhh, this ain't Rachel, this is...Randy Joe Arnoldson...? (Normal voice) Fine! You got me! (Yells) I'm going to kill you for making me do that Emmett!

(Emmett in background) But you're the only one who can throw out any accent you want and totally work it!

True, true. So anyway, I hope you enjoyed this phone call.

_Why?_

Because this is only a preview of what's to come in the sequel!

_NOOOO!_

**That was kind of fun to write. I won't blame you if you hated it. I wrote it while watching ****Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince**** while half-asleep last night. Hope you liked it. Keep an eye out for "Rachel Prank Calls Everybody"!**

**-ME!**


	21. OMG A CHAPTER!

**IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT CHAPTERS 6 AND 19, DON'T SKIP THIS! I know this story is over and all, but I just realized something creepy about those two chapters that really is creepy. I'm freaking out over here!**

Rachel: OMG, Jacob, cometh here!

Jacob: Why should I?

Rachel: You remember all those questions your fangirls asked you on your blog?

Jacob: Yeah, of course I do. How could I forget?

Rachel: Well, read this post on Fang's blog.  
Jacob: Who's Fang?

Rachel: Character from Maximum Ride, which I am quickly becoming obsessed with. He's the one who I hope, in the movie which is coming out in 2013 and will be directed by the woman who directed the first Twilight movie, will be hot.

Jacob: Okay? _Reads computer screen_ OMG! What the crap?

Rachel: Oh, I know right? It's super-creepy. A lot of these questions are the same as the ones you and I got asked, just with slight variations.

Jacob: Do you think we should show the readers an example?

Rachel: I think so. Just so you readers know, I couldn't be bothered to weed through and only get the ones that were asked to us. Instead, they'll be bolded. If they're underlined, I thought they were particularly funny, whether the question or the answer, I shan't tell you.

DO YOU HAVE A JAMAICAN ACCENT?

No, mon.

**DO YOU MOULT?**

Gross

WHAT'S YOUR STAR SIGN?

I was raised in a cage. But I'm going to pick one. Um, no I'm not. "Angel what's my star sign?" She says, "Scorpio."

**HAVE YOU TOLD JEB I LOVE HIM YET?**

No.

DOES NOT HAVING A POWER MAKE YOU ~ANGRY?

Well that's not really true...

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THE SOULJA BOY?

Can you see me doing The Soulja Boy?

DOES IGGY KNOW HOW TO DO THE SOULJA BOY?

Gazzy does.

DO YOU USE HAIR PRODUCTS?

No. Again, no.

**DO YOU USE PRODUCTS ON YOUR ~FEATHERS?**

I don't know that they make bird kid feather products yet.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE?

There are a bunch.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SONG?

I don't have favorites. They're too polarizing.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SMELL?

Max, when she showers.

**DO THESE QUESTIONS MAKE YOU ANGRY?**

Not really.

IF I CAME UP TO YOU IN A STREET AND HUGGED YOU, WOULD YOU KILL ME?

You might get kicked. But I'm used to people wanting me dead, so.

DO YOU SECRETLY WANT TO BE HUGGED?  
  
Doesn't everybody want to be secretly hugged?

ARE YOU GOING EMO CAUSE ANGEL IS STEALING EVERYONE'S POWERS [INCLUDING YOURS]?

Not the Emo thing again.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD?

Anything hot and delicious and brought to me by Iggy.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?

Three eggs, over easy. Bacon. More bacon. Toast.

DID YOU EVEN HAVE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?

See above.

**DID YOU DIE INSIDE WHEN MAX CHOSE ARI OVER YOU?**

Dudes don't die inside.

DO YOU LIKE MAX?

I like a lot of people.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

I think you're funny.

DOES IGGY LIKE ME?

Sure.

DO YOU WRITE DEPRESSING POETRY?

No.

IS IT ABOUT MAX?

Ahh. No.

IS IT ABOUT ARI?

Why do you assume I write depressing poetry?

IS IT ABOUT JEB?

Ahh.

ARE YOU GOING TO BLOCK THIS COMMENT?

Clearly, no.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

A Dirty Projectors t-shirt. Jeans.

DO YOU WEAR BOXERS OR BRIEFS?  
  
NO FREAKING COMMENT.

DO YOU FIND THIS COMMENT PERSONAL?

Could I not find that comment personal?

DO YOU WEAR SUNGLASSES?

Yes, cheap ones.

DO YOU WEAR YOUR SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT?

That would make it hard to see.

DO YOU SMOKE APPLES, LIKE US?

Huh?

DO YOU PREFER BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?

Whatever.

DO YOU LIKE VAMPIRES OR WEREWOLVES?

Mmm, Vampires.

ARE YOU GAY AND JUST PRETENDING TO BE STRAIGHT BY KISSING LISSA?

Uhh...

WERE YOU EXPERIMENTING WITH YOUR SEXUALITY?

Uhh...

WOULD YOU TELL US IF YOU WERE GAY?

Yes.

DO YOU SECRETLY LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE CALL YOU EMO?

No.

ARE YOU EMO?

Whatever.

DO YOU LIKE EGGS?

Yes. I had them for breakfast.

DO YOU LIKE EATING THINGS?

I love eating. I list it as a hobby.

**DO YOU SECRETLY THINK YOU'RE THE SEXIEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD?  
**  
Do you secretly think I'm the sexiest person in the whole world? **[I swear, I had no idea.]**

DO YOU EVER HAVE DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT MAX?

Eeek!

**HAS ANGEL EVER READ YOUR MIND WHEN YOU WERE HAVING DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT MAX AND GONE 'OMG' AND YOU WERE LIKE 'D:'?**

hahahahahahahahahahah

**DO YOU LIKE SPONGEBOB? **[In mine, it was Timmy Turner, remember?]

He's okay I guess.

DO YOU EVER HAVE DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT SPONGEBOB? [Okay, hahah.]

Definitely.

CAN YOU COOK?

Iggy cooks.

DO YOU LIKE TO COOK?

I like to eat.

ARE YOU LIKE, A ~HOUSEWIFE?

How on earth could I be like a housewife?

DO YOU SECRETLY HAVE INNER TURMOIL?

My inner turmoil is like an inner Taurus which is like an inner Klein bottle which is like...

WHY DON'T YOU POST PHOTOS ANYMORE?

We just did.

WHY DON'T YOU POST YOUR DRAWINGS ANYMORE? THEY WERE REALLY GOOD

OKAY.

DO YOU WANT TO BE UNDA DA SEA?

I'm unda the stars.

DO YOU THINK IT'S NOT TOO LATE, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE?

Sure.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO PLAY POKER?

TV

DO YOU HAVE A GOOD POKER FACE?

Totally.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE A GOOD POKER FACE. DOES IGGY HAVE A GOOD POKER FACE?

Yes.

CAN HE EVEN PLAY POKER?

Iggy beats me, sometimes.

DO YOU LIKE POKING PEOPLE, HARD?

Not really.

ARE YOU FANGALICIOUS?

I could never be as fangalicious as you'd want me to be.

Jacob: Wow, girls are weird.

Rachel: He is too fanfalicious! And Iggy is iggilicious! Alright, it doesn't work with Iggy, but you know what I mean!

Jacob: What was the purpose of asking if Iggy can play Poker or not?

Rachel: Iggy is blind.

Jacob: This is the fourth line in a row in which Iggy has been said. I think it's time for the dictionary for Microsoft Word to include it in the dictionary.

Rachel: I think it's time we got back to talking about Fang. Even though he and Iggy are both hot in my mind. Oop, that's five.

Jacob: This is getting to be too much.

Rachel: Yey, it stops at five!

Jacob: Really? This again?

Rachel: Yep!

Jacob: By the way, what is Maximum Ride even about? He didn't seem to be confused when asked if _he_ used product on _his_ feathers. He was actually quite normal about it.

Rachel: Forgot you didn't know. Fang has wings. Along with Max, Angel, Nudge, Iggy, and the Gasman. They were stolen as babies and grafted with avian DNA, so they all have wings. Apparently Max is supposed to save the world, so she and the others have to try and do that, while being chased by vicious human-lupine hybrids known as Erasers.

Jacob: Oh, so that's why Remus Lupin's last name is Lupin. Because lupine means wolf! Yeah, good thinking, J.K. Rowling. **[I recently made this discovery meself.]**

Rachel: Yep! They all have sweet powers, except for Fang. Sadface.

Jacob: Do I want to know?

Rachel: Nope!

Melvin: Hey gu- Really? You had this changed to Melvin too? Is there no end to this torture?

Bella: _walks in_ Edward! I mean Melvin!

Melvin: Yes, love?

Bella: There's another fangirl at the door, can I kill this one?

Melvin: Why?

Bella: It's Lauren Mallory.

Melvin: Oh. Well, in that case, yeah.

Bella: Sweet! _skips away_

Lauren: _indistinct screams suddenly broken off_

Melvin: So what are you guys talking about?

Rachel: _points up_

Melvin: Oh, Maximum Ride. Cool, cool. Can I be Edward again now?

Rachel: Learn to love it.

Edward: But why? Oh! YES! I'm Edward again!

Rachel: Hey! This is my story!

Melvin: Not ca- Oh great!

Emmett: Woah, this story again? I thought this ended back in 2010?

Rachel: I felt the need to update. I had to say some stuff.

Jaspar: Alice! Stop it! I don't want to listen to any more Ke$ha! I don't even like her music all that much anymore? **[Was that this story? I can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning. Oh that's right, I didn't!]**

Alice: Not caring! You're going to give in anyway. Since if you don't go to the concert with me, I'll cut you off.

Jaspar: No! Not solitary!

Alice: For a month. Don't think I won't do it.

Jaspar: Fine. When is it? Hey wait, my name's not Jaspar! RACHEL!

Oh-So-Awesome-Writer-And-Overlord-Of-This-Story: Yes dear brother of mine?

Jaspar: Since when do you have complete control over what we're called in this story? Also, since when are you updating?

Super-Mega-Foxy-Awesome-Hot-But-Not-Really: Since I took over. Also, since today! I feel like it! Speaking of this story, I have something to do. This is Rachel Annoys The Hell Out Of Jacob Black after all.

Jacob: Oh no!

Rachel: _smacks Jacob over and over_

Jacob: What is this for?

Rachel: YOU KILLED ME YOU DUMBASS! I JUST REMEMBERED WHEN I WAS WRITING RISING MOON AND NOW I SHALL MAKE YOU PAY!

Jacob: I was hoping you'd have forgotten completely, You see, this is why I don't really retaliate all that much when you annoy me like you do. Because I know I deserve it. I'm the reason you don't hang out with your friends on the weekends, fawning over Zac Efron.

Not-Fawning-Over-Zac-Efron: Um, Jake? I really don't like Zac Efron all that much. I mean, _points to corner_ that it a boss Zefron poster, but still.

Landon: OMG, I'm hydrokinetic! Who knew?

Rachel: Holy crap, I almost forgot you were here. Sorry. How did you figure out you're hydrokinetic? I thought you were terrified of water of all kinds after you were almost killed by a shark?

Jacob: Hey! In Chapter 7: Meet Landon, you told me he died in a car crash!

Rachel: I fibbed.

Landon: I dared her to do it. Just to see your face when you saw what really happened, whenever that may have been. And it's now, yey! Now, onto a more pressing issue, ME!

Rachel: Continue please.

Landon: So, now everybody knows I was almost killed by a shark. God only knows how Carlisle found me, drowning in the Atlantic Ocean after being water-mauled. I really think I should start from the beginning because everyone except for Jacob and the dear readers knows what happens. So, since I bear an uncanny resemblance to Logan Lerman, I thought, hey, why not pretend to be Percy Jackson?

Rachel: I can't listen! Slave!

Emmett: Yes?

Rachel: Thought I forgot, didn't you? Give me a piggy-back ride to the mall so we can people-watch and laugh when they fall! _hops on Emmett's back_ Run monkey, run!

Emmett: _Runs out_

Landon: Uh, anyway. So I was being all cool, attracting the attention of some passersby. Fortunately, some of the girls watching were hot. Unfortunately, one of the passersby was a shark. We all know what happens then.

Rosalie: Jeez, why have I been absent this whole time? Where are Rachel and Emmett?

Jaspar: The mall. Oh gosh dang it! I thought that when she was gone, it would go back to normal!

Melvin: Get used to it buddy, she's completely in control now.

Landon: _Anyway,_ So ever since that day, I've avoided water like it was the plague. Good thing I don't need to eat or drink, lest I be dead. So today, Nessie was drinking a glass of water and set it down on the table. Of course I thought it was vodka, so I drank a bit. Then I realized it was water and spit it out. Then I heard Esme coming, and there was water all over the counter, so I just thought about the water just magically flying into the sink, and guess what. It did! I was so happy for myself! I have a sexy power and three out of 10.5 of you don't! Hahahahaha! _cell phone rings_ Oh, hold on. _anwers_ Hello?

Rachel (over the phone): Hey. _looks up_ Sorry, I had to be here in the story so I could see your story without actually being there. I'm so happy for you! Can you tell Jacob that he's in huge trouble when we get home?

Landon: You already read it Jake.

Jacob: Yup.

Rachel (over the phone): OMG! Wow, we're all saying OMG a lot in this. I feel the need to change it up. Holy shizzle! That post of Fang's was _the_ day before my birthday! This character turned 2 in vampire years, since this is the books, not the movies, and I was turned in 2006. But the real me, wave to the audience me!

ME (sitting at my computer, typing): _waves_ Hi!

Rachel (over the phone): Anyway, that me turned 12 that year. I love you, Fang!

Fang (at the mall): Woah, where did I come from?

Rachel: Holy shark bandannas! Okay, bye everybody, I have to continue people-watching, and Fang is here so I was going to go anyways. _hangs up_

Carlisle: _walks in_ Why did Rachel just text me this?

Landon: What does it say? _reads and bursts out laughing_ Oh my God, that's hilarious!

Jaspar: What?

Landon: She said 'I'm so freaking horny right now.'

Carlisle: Why in God's name did she send that to _me?_ _phone vibrates, signaling another text_

Landon: Let's read it! 'Oops, I meant hungry.' Ah dang, that was funny!

Jacob: _sings_ Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone. I love you and that's all I really know. I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress. It's a love story, baby just say yes.

Everyone else: Hahahahah!

Jacob: Oh no, she's doing it from afar now!

Emmett: _walks in the door_

Rachel: _is getting a piggy-back ride from her slave_ Nuh-uh! I was doing it from right outside this room! There was sucky wi-fi at the mall. But I did find a dress for you Alice. They only had it in ivory. _holds up bag_

Alice: _grabs bag and looks inside_ Oooo, pretty. Jasper, you're taking me out to dinner tonight so I can wear this.

Jaspar: Fine.

Rachel: Wow, this got really off topic.

Jacob: Was there a topic in the first place? I mean, you named the chapter 'OMG A CHAPTER!' so I don't think there were any guidelines.

Rachel: Yeah, I guess so. Hey, where did Emmett and Rosalie go?

Nessie: "YouTube" probably.

Rachel: Woah, where did you come from?

Nessie: I was in the bathroom.

Rachel: Oh, for nine whole pages?

Nessie: Yeah.

Rachel: Reasonable amount of time.

Esme: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!

Carlisle: Where have you been? I've been forced to listen to all of them yammering about nothing!

Esme: I was at Victoria's Secret. ;)

Carlisle: Ohhhhhhhhhh. To "YouTube"?

Esme: To "YouTube".

Rachel: So earlier today I was watching Harry Potter 6 and you know what?

Jacob: What?

Rachel: I loved it when Harry got loopy on Liquid Luck.

Alice: Why were you watching Harry Potter anyway? We're in a Twilight story.

Rachel: What? Just because I'm a character in a Twilight story, I can't like the Harry Potter series and think Draco is super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot?

Jaspar: You scare me sometimes, Rachel.

Rachel: Oh, and Cormac McLaggen too.

Rosalie: Yeah, he's pretty hot.

Emmett: Hey!

Rachel: _steps in closet_ Harmonia Nectere Passus_uses sweet teleportation power to teleport to other closet_ OMG! Our closet is a Vanishing Cabinet!

Bella: You are so weird.

Rachel: _produces a food platter_ Anybody care for some Dragon tartare?

Jacob: _eats some_ This is pretty good. What is it anyway?

Rachel: Dragon testicles. What else?

Jacob: _vomits on Esme's precious carpet_

Esme: :o How could you do that, mutt? Get the frick out of my house!

Jacob: Déjà vu. _walks out_

Rachel: This is way too long! I need to stop it here! Say bye everybody.

Jacob: _waves from outside_

Landon: Bye!

Melvin: Bye.

Nessie: BYEEEEE!

Alice: See ya!

Bella: Later.

Emmett: We shall meet again one day in the near future I hope.

Rosalie: Uh, what they said.

Jaspar: Bye?

Rachel: I'll say bye for Carlisle and Esme since they're busy. Bye from Carlisle, Esme, and myself. Oh yeah, Fang says bye too.

**Like it? Was this a refreshing surprise? I hope it was. So, I'm writing a pregnancy essay for school and I think it's turning out well, if I do say so myself. I just hope my teacher likes it. Maybe I'll update on this story some more? No promises though, since this is technically over.**

**-Rachel**


	22. McDonald's and a Show

**Hello people! Have you heard about that show that's going to premier on FOX? Terra Nova? Ring any bells? Well, if you have seen any commercials for it, you know the brother? He's played by the original guy I chose for Landon. Landon Liboiron, yes. Well, now he's Logan Lerman and that's fine with me.**

**Some more news. I had my hair dyed red! Yey! I've wanted red hair for the longest time and now my head is red! Not ginger red though, more like a darker Hayley Williams red. UPDATE: This chapter has been sitting around for a while. I dyed my hair several months ago. Sometime in April or May. It's very faded now.**

**This is the chapter everyone's been waiting for! Remember that movie back from chapters 15 & 18? The one with no plot? Well, this is the chapter where Rachel finally shows it to everybody! But first a little bit of good old-fashioned annoying Jacob. I mean, this is Rachel Annoys The Hell Out Of Jacob Black after all.**

(Dare Jacob to do something absolutely ridiculous.) I've been holding onto this one for a few months, sorry.

Rachel: Hey Jake!

Jacob: What?

Rachel: Guess where Nessie got a job!

Jacob: _gasps_ No!

Rachel: Yes. I dared you to do it, so let's go!

Jacob: Fine!

AT MCDONALD'S

Nessie: What are you guys going here?

Rachel: We came to wish you luck on your first day! So, to make you feel completely and utterly embarrassed, Jacob here has something prepared for you.

Jacob: _gulps_ Yes, sure do.

Nessie: Fine, let's just get this over with.

Rachel: _pushed button on stereo and music starts_

Jacob: _starts to dance and sing_ I am in love with the McDonald's girl. She has a smile of innocence.

Rachel: _chimes in_ Ooh so tender and warm.

Jacob: I am in love with the McDonald's girl. She is an angel in a polyester uniform.

Man #1: OMG, it's the Blenders!

Man #2: Nah, it's just a couple of kids.

Jacob: I'd like an order of fried, a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I love the light in your eyes.

Rachel: Will you go out with me please?

Man #1: Are you sure it's not the Blenders?

Man #2: Positive.

Man #1: They sound just like them though.

Man #2: Just take a look. One of them is a girl.

Man #1: _looks_ Oh, I guess you're right about that one. Let's go to Arby's. They have good mood food™!

Man #2: Sa-weet! _walks out with friend_

Z-Dawg: Wassup home skillets? Zafrina in the hiz-house! **(IDK why she's a gangster…)**

Nessie: Zafrina! Where are Senna and Kachiri?

Z-Dawg: They're back at the Cullens' house. Bella told me you were here and I came to see you!

Rachel: _sings_ It hurts just to wake up, whenever you're wearing thin. Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in. The end is uncertain, and I've never been so afraid. But I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope, and that makes me feel brave!

Z-Dawg: Woah! I didn't even see you there. Who are you? I don't think we've met.

Rachel: Formally, we haven't met, but I saw you when the Volturi went to kill the Cullens. I'm Rachel, the second newest member of the Cullen clan. Technically, I'm a Hale though. Even more technically, I'm a Whitlock. **(Don't worry, I'll explain that in Rising Moon.)** The newest member is my mate, Landon. He's a Cullen.

Z-Dawg: Nice to meet you, I'm Zafrina.

Rachel: Is it alright if I call you Z-Dawg? I assigned everyone gangster names a while back.

Z-Dawg: Sure. Now, what was that about seeing me when the Volturi came? I don't remember seeing you with the rest of the witnesses.

Rachel: Sadly, you wouldn't have. I was a member of the guard at that time I wasn't paying attention to the confrontation, though. ADD. _shrugs_

Z-Dawg: Oh. See you back at the house then.

Rachel: Actually, Jacob and I were just finishing up here. I could give you a ride back.

Z-Dawg: That would be great. And much less conspicuous.

Rachel & Z-Dawg: _walk out_

Jacob: Wait for me! _runs after them_

Nessie: They're finally gone! Now I can get back to work.

**For those of you who hadn't realized it, the song is "(I Am In Love With The) McDonald's Girl" by the Blenders. Stay tuned for a full version of Jacob and me singing it.**

(Finally show everyone that movie from chapters 15 and 18.) It took a while to write. [Formatted like the annoying everybody chapters.]

I saw down and said, in a normal voice, "Everybody come to the media room. I've got a new movie for us to watch."

Suddenly, twelve and a half vampires and one "werewolf" appeared on the many couches in the room.

"What movie?" Emmett asked.

I tried my hardest not to think of it, but it's like the game. Oops! I just lost. "I want to go to Old Country Buffet, the Land of &."

"Why? We can't even eat human food."

"I know a guy. Sorry I'm so awkward you guys. When I was chilling with the Volturi, the filter from my brain to my mouth was diminished. I'm not sure whose fault it is. My money's on Felix." I turned the DVD on. The opening credits began and everyone but me groaned. My favorite words flashed across the screen.

_A Rachel Hale Production_

_In association with FTW Film Studios_

_Written and directed by Rachel Hale_

_Executive Producer: Rachel Hale_

_This film was made exclusively by Rachel Hale_

Then in very small print at the bottom:

_With help from Jacob Black_

_Starring_

_Carlisle, Edward, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Bella, Renesmee, and Landon Cullen_

_with Jasper and Alice Hale_

_A 2010 film_

_My Life With Crazies (Based on a true story)_

And then my crappy movie started.

I'd decided to make the scenes we filmed in chaptesr 15 & 18 first.

_The camera panned to an alley. There was a hat on the sidewalk, surrounded by playing cards. Three hobos were sitting around an unlit trashcan. The hobo in the middle tossed a rubber duck into the hat._

_All of the sudden, a creepy guy walked by and replaced the duck with a fifty dollar bill._

_One hobo, the male, picked up the cash. "That's the fourth time he's done that this week! And it's only Tuesday! We should throw ducks more often."_

_The magical unicorn ran by, followed by a blonde woman._

"_Come back!" She shouted. "I want my damn wishes! I found your rainbow already!"_

_The scene cut to a business meeting. A man walked in late, but he was wearing swimming trunks, a T-shirt, a lovely tie, and carrying a briefcase. His employer asked him what he was wearing. **(Tie on profile.)**  
_

"_This is the only suit I had left. A man broke into our house and destroyed all of them. He also stole my ceramic duck collection. Then I was super sad, and my wife tried to cheer me up…" He seemed to be thinking of the previous night. You could tell from the sudden tent in his shorts._

"_Whatever, Jameson. Just do your presentation." The boss said, a little annoyed._

_Jameson went to the front of the room and the lights dimmed. "Okay," he began, "I estimate that our erection…I mean penis…er, wood. LUMBER! I estimate that our lumber sales will go through the roof next quarter."_

"_It's staring at me!" Someone shouted, pointing to Jameson's pants._

"_Oh my god, me too!"_

"_Don't look directly into the erection," someone else said in a creepy whisper, "it has a mind of its own."_

"_As I was saying," Jameson said. "You can see from this chart that we're mostly selling to seamen…sailors rather."_

_The scene changed again. A woman was running. She passed the hobos just as a man's voice sounded. "Come back! I just want to rape you in your no-no place!" A man ran by then._

_The hobos were bursting out laughing at his forwardness._

_Meanwhile, the duck guy was collecting rubber ducks from the hat and replacing them with money._

_Suddenly a rubber chicken hit one of the hobos in the head._

"_I told you it only works with ducks," the first hobo said to the third._

"_Yeah, whatever."_

_A woman with caramel colored hair jumped into the frame, followed by the blonde woman, Jameson, and the unicorn. They all started beat boxing as a woman in a duck suit strutted down the sidewalk. She was carrying a large stuffed duck._

_Mister-I-Have-A-Duck-Fetish's jaw dropped, "I must have it!"_

_Just then, an orange dragon swooped in a began fighting a large group of ninja._

Somebody tapped me on the shoulder. It was Jacob. "I didn't film a dragon, or any ninjas."

"I added ti in editing on the suggestion of a friend." **(Thanks Jazz! XD)** I shrugged. "Also, it's ninja. The correct plural form of ninja is still ninja. Common misconception."

"Whatever, let's just watch the movie. I cannot believe I just said that, but I did."

_The camera panned back to the model. She did a 180 and started to walk the other way. The duck addict caught her wrist though._

"_Wait," he said, "I have a slight duck fetish and I must say, you look gorgeous."_

"_Why thank you," she said. _

"_Not you. Her," he grabbed the duck from her and ran away to molest it._

_The two women randomly started pole-dancing on streetlamps while one of the hobos pulled out a waffle iron._

_Another hobo pulled out some Bisquik. They proceeded to make waffle-shaped pancakes, regardless of the fact that they had no power source. It could only be assumed that it was being powered by the unicorn, which was now prancing about, throwing glitter on everyone._

_The dragon and group of ninja had an epic battle with safety scissors, fly swatters, cereal, and plastic mustaches. The rest of the cast joined in with rulers and duct tape._

_Everyone fought as the screen faded to black and the credits began to roll._

_Cast__ (in order of appearance)_

_Renesmee Carlie Cullen as Hobo #1_

_Isabella Marie Swan Cullen as Hobo #2_

_Landon Alan Davis Cullen ad Hobo #3_

_Edward Anthony Masen Cullen Jr. as guy with duck fetish_

_Jasper Jimothy Whitlock Hale as the magical unicorn_

_Rosalie Lillian Hale Cullen as crazy civilian #1_

_Carlisle Julio Cullen as Wendell Jameson_

_Emmett Fauntleroy McCarty Cullen as the creepy stalker rapist_

_Esme Anne Platt Evenson Cullen as crazy civilian #2_

_Mary Alice Brandon Cullen Hale as the model_

_Director, Producer, Writer, Executive Producer, Costume Designer, and everything else  
Rachel Erin Moore Anderson Hale Cullen_

_Special thanks to the entire cast, plus Jacob Dolores Black, for the camera work, and putting up with all my shenanigans over the past two years. =)_

I stood up and bowed. "I did all the editing myself."

Surprisingly, everyone began to applaud.

"Given the time you had, and the material you got us to film, you did amazing." Alice said.

Emmett lifted a finger. "Don't forget the lack of cooperation. We were horrible to you, pretty much."

"Also, I want to thank everyone who helped me come up with the plot and stuff." I pulled out a folded piece of paper and opened it up. The page was four feet long. "Amanda, Tiffany, Skyler, Jazz, Casey, Mom, Lizzie, Bob, Sam, Grace, Ari, Sebastian, Crank, Dub, Henri, Violet, Ethan, Lena, Link, Ridley, John, Max, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, Angel, Total, Jeb, other Ari, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Cedric, Oliver, Ginny, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Cormac, Colin, Vincent, Gregory, pansy, Marcus, Angelina, Alicia, Katie, Fred, George, Percy, Charlie, Bill, Fleur, Molly, Arthur, James, Sirius, Remus, Lily, Severus, Minerva, Filius, Horace, Rubeus, Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, Charlus, Dores, Olivia, other Rachel, Isabel, Jack, Cole, Geoffrey, Shelby, Ulrik, Paul, Martin, Adam, Nick, Jesse, Carrie, Hilary, Joe, Caleb, Jon, Kyle, Kevin, Danielle, Emma, Alex, Fig, Joey, Carter, other Alex, Avery Delilah, other Adam, Jordan, Christofer, Breanne, Jenny, Jocelyn, Robert, Kristen, Peter, Elizabeth, Jackson, Ashley, Kellan, Nikki, Taylor, Declan, Anna, Sophia, Logan, third Alex, other Kevin, Jose, Darren, other Joey, Bonnie, Jaime, Joe, Brian, other Nick, Matt other Joe, Tyler, other Brian, , Dylan, Brittany, Richard, Lauren, other Lily, Arielle, Devon, Jim, third Nick, Avril, Teddy, JoJo, Jane, Hayley, David, Natasha, Mandy, and Kendall." I threw the paper adice. "I'd also like to thank the Quileute wolf pack for helping me with the props and set design. If I forgot anybody, I'm sorry." I began to walk away, but then backtracked. "Thanks to my readers for sticking with this story for this long. it means a lot to me whenever I see that someone liked my work." And with that, I left the room. "SLAVE!"

Emmett rushed to follow me. "What is it now?"

"Let us go wreak havoc!" I jumped on his back. "Run monkey, run!"

**Well, that took forever. The writing took the longest. And then I kept delaying the typing process. It didn't take very long to type though, so I have no idea why I was putting it off. I love all of my readers equally, so don't be getting jealous of anybody else. Well, no, there is that one reader who I love more than the rest, but I won't say who. It's not you, Amanda, it's not you. Amanda as in alias093001. Bye now!**

**-Rachel**


	23. Malk

**Hello there dearest readers. If you're reading this, than that means that you care about the words that I'm saying to you. If you're not, then what am I doing? I'm talking to someone who's not actually paying attention. If you are reading this, I'd like to tell you that I'm starting a new bit on here. I'll let myself explain it.**

(Explain the new segment.)

Rachel: Hello dearest readers. Jacob and Nessie are visiting Billy right now, so I can safely tell you this without the risk of him hearing me.

Emmett: I'm going to be helping too.

Rachel: Emmett, you came in a little too early. I haven't introduced it yet.

Emmett: Oh, sorry. _walks out of room_

Rachel: Anyhow, whenever I get bored and can't think of a legitimate way to annoy Jacob, I'm going to do one of these. These being a reenactment of a YouTube video I rather enjoy. It will be funny because Jacob will have no idea.

Emmett: I'm going to be helping too.

Rachel: There we go! That's when you were supposed to come in.

Emmett: _smiles_ Thank you, it's what I'm here for.

Rachel: So, once Jacob and Nessie get home, we're going to do the first one. Emmett, Alice, Carlisle, and I are going to reenact Julian Smith's video, Malk.

Emmett: This will be fun.

Rachel: Yes it will, Emmett, yes it will. Now, each segment will have an introduction part when Jacob isn't around so I can tell you vital information. These little ditties will only come when I lack inspiration for chapters. Which means, they will happen a lot.

(Malk)

Nessie: We're home!

Rachel: Hey, Alice, you anything to drink?

Alice: Yeah, in the fridge.

Emmett: Hey, Rachel, grab me a glass of malk.

Rachel: They don't have any malk, but I can get you some milk.

Alice: That's what he just said.

Emmett: Yeah, I just want some malk.

Rachel: nah, you're saying it wrong, you're saying malk. You know, like it's a disease.

Alice: _laughs_ How do you say it?

Rachel: I'm saying it the way everyone outta say it; milk. M-I-L-K.

Alice: Right, like 2%?

Emmett: Right, whole malk.

Rachel: No no no no no. Say milkshake.

Emmett: Milkshake.

Rachel: Okay, now say milk.

Emmett: Malk.

Rachel: Are you hearing this?

Alice: Yeah. The man wants a glass of mulk.

Rachel: Mulk?

Alice: Give him the mulk, Rachel!

Carlisle: _walks in_ Alice, inside voices please.

Alice: Sorry Dad, my white friends.

Carlisle: _puts glasses back on and leaves_

Emmett: Rachel! Pour me a glass of malk!

Rachel: Why are you yelling at me?

Alice: Just give him the freaking mulk!

Rachel: You guys aren't even saying the same thing!

Emmett: We're all saying malk, Rachel!

Rachel: No! You're saying malk! You're saying m-

Alice: MULK!

Emmett: MALK!

Alice: MUULK!

Emmett: MAALK!

Alice: MUULK!

Emmett: MAA-

Rachel: _pulls out gun_ Shut up! Shut up! _puts gun to head_

Emmett & Alice: _pull guns out and point at Rachel_

Alice: You better put it down Rachel.

Emmett: D-don't do it Rachel.

Rachel: You're going to shoot me if I shoot myself? That doesn't make any sense!

Emmett & Alice: _look at each other and point guns at their own heads_

Alice: Rachel, put it down!

Emmett: Put your gun down!

Rachel, Emmett, & Alice: _bicker_

Rachel: _oh phone_ And then after that, we pull the trigger. All of us.

Emmett: _on phone and opens oven_ No, we are not filming something like that!

Rachel: _on phone_ Why not?

Emmett: _on phone_ It's so…dark, I don't know. _pets toy cat inside oven and closes_ Rachel, I need to call you back, I'm really busy. **(This is where the video ends. The rest is just improv.)**

Jacob: What?

Rachel: Oh hey Jacob.

Emmett: Do you want some malk?

Jacob: Why are you saying malk?

Alice: Answer the question Jacob!

Jacob: No! I won't answer!

Alice: Do you want mulk or not?

Rachel: I think he wants milk.

Alice: Jacob! Do you want the freaking mulk?

Carlisle: _comes back_ Alice.

Alice: Sorry Dad, my wolf friend.

Carlisle: _leaves_

Jacob: Stop saying malk!

Rachel: Drink the milk!

Jacob: I don't want your malk! Or mulk!

Emmett: That's the exact same thing Jacob.

Jacob: No it's not! They're two different words!

Rachel: Whoa, anger management anybody?

Nessie: Yeah, I need to sign him up for some more sessions with his therapist. _leaves to make calls_

Rachel: Hey Jacob, have you ever noticed that therapist is just the and rapist put together?

Jacob: Aaaah! I don't want to be raped! _runs away_

Rachel: My work here is done.

Nessie: _runs after Jacob_ Jacob Dolores Black, you get back here!


	24. Contest? Yey!

**Blah, blah, blah, blah.**

(Hold a contest.)

Rachel: Yola dear readers.

Jacob: Hi there.

Rachel: Jacob and I have come to an agreement for this chapter.

Jacob: If I don't give her a good reason to, Rachel won't annoy me.

Rachel: So far it's going pretty well.

Jacob: Yep. Now we have an announcement to make. We're having a contest!

Rachel: Yes sireebob! I'd like to incorporate some new characters, and I want the readers to make these characters.

Jacob: This character can be any gender, and either a vampire, a wolf, or a human.

Rachel: You can also create a significant other or mate for them.

Jacob: If they're a wolf, you can choose if they're part of the Quileute pack or another.

Rachel: If they're a vampire, they can have any power, and be part of any coven, excluding the Olympic coven, A.K.A. the Cullens, or they can just be a nomad.

Jacob: Humans might be a bit harder to do, since they can't know our secrets.

Rachel: If you would like to submit a character. PM me, or if you don't allow PMs, then stick it in a review.

Emmett: Ooo, I'm going to submit a character! Then I can finally meet Arnold, the nomadic vampire with the power to turn inanimate objects into vampires. We can make a vampire marshmallow army together!

Rachel: Yeah… I'll think about that. Anyway, the contest starts now and will last until the end of the month. So you've got about 20 days to come up with characters. I'm going to pick the finalists and then I'll introduce them to you guys, they you vote for your favorite, and the two who get the least votes will be eliminated. The remaining ones will join me in annoying Jacob.

Jacob: Yes, I'm okay with them annoying me. Afterwards, the characters will stay with the story.

Rachel: And I can do whatever I want with them, you've been warned.

Jacob: Now for the templates!

Rachel: Ah yes, thank you Jacob. I'm going to put the templates for each type below. Just copy and paste it into your review or PM.

Templates

Vampire

Full Name:

Gender:

Birth Date:

Age (if they still aged, how old they would be):

Age When Killed:

Physical Description (i.e. hair color, eyes color as a human, body type, etc.):

Ethnicity:

When and How They "Died":

Turned By:

Hometown:

Living Relatives (if any):

Short Backstory:

Veggie or Not:

Nomad or Coven:

Mate (optional):

Power (optional):

Mate's Power (optional):

Anything else you'd like to add:

Werewolf

Full Name:

Gender:

Birth Date:

Age:

Physical Description:

Ethnicity:

Family:

Tribe:

Pack:

Fur Color:

Imprinted on (optional):

Anything else you'd like to add:

Human

Full Name:

Gender:

Birth Date:

Age:

Physical Description:

Ethnicity:

Family:

Anything else you'd like to add:

Rachel: To further explain the templates, Jacob and I have prepared our own. And, since I'm such a tard, mine will be a good example. Enjoy:

Vampire

Full Name: Rachel Erin Moore Anderson Hale Cullen

Gender: Female

Birth Date: March 27, 1991

Age: 18

Age When Killed: 16

Physical Description: blonde hair, blue eyes as a human, freckles, about 5'3", normal weight, normal strength

Ethnicity: Caucasian

When and How They "Died": June of 2007, mauled by a wolf (Jacob Black)

Turned By: Olivia Summers

Hometown: Jasper, Alberta, Canada

Living Relatives: John and Brooke Moore, (parents) Julia Sophie "Jules" Moore, (twin sister) Michael and Carla Anderson, (adoptive parents) Jasper Jimothy Whitlock Hale (great-great-great-great-uncle)

Short Backstory: see Rising Moon

Veggie or Not: Veggie

Nomad or Coven: Olympic coven

Mate (optional): Landon Alan Davis Cullen

Power (optional): Absorbs other vampire powers permanently. It's kind of like illegally downloading music, she makes an exact replica of the power and takes it. She can get rid of any power at any time.

Mate's Power (optional): Hydrokinetic

Anything else you'd like to add: Suffers from ADHD. Has control issues because of the previous. Found out that Jacob killed her and now annoys him to Hell and back. During the events of Breaking Dawn, she was a member of the Volturi guard.

Werewolf

Full Name: Jacob Dolores Black

Gender: Male

Birth Date: April 20, 1989

Age: 20

Physical Description: Native American

Ethnicity: Native American

Family: Billy Black, (father) Sarah Black, (mother, deceased) Rebecca and Rachel Black (older twin sisters) Ephraim Black, (great-grandfather, deceased) Quil Ateara (second cousin)

Tribe: Quileute

Pack: Quileute wolf pack

Fur Color: Reddish-brown

Imprinted on (optional): Renesmee Carlie Cullen

Anything else you'd like to add: Best friends with Bella. Doesn't like Rachel very much, but feels guilty for killing her. Plain old hates Rosalie. Tolerates Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper to a certain degree.

Rachel: Well that was fun.

Jacob: Yes it was, in fact.

Rachel: The contest runs until September 30 of this year, then the voting will last for two weeks after that. Please give me a lot of submissions for characters! I'd like to get some really fun people in here. Everyone else is getting boring. It's not as fun annoying Jacob anymore. That's why I haven't been doing it.

Jacob: And the pack needs more help dealing with the bloodsuckers.

Rachel: If I could, then I would. I'll go wherever you will go. Way up high, or down low. I'll go wherever you will go! If I could turn back time, I'll go wherever you will go. If I could make you mine, I'll go wherever you will go!

Jacob: Oh god, not this again!

Rachel: I may seem crazy, or painfully shy. And these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye.

Jacob: No, readers, she's not doing this to annoy me. Her brain is quite literally 97% song lyrics, and they just fly out from time to time.

Rachel: I wave hello to the world. If you're falling down, I will catch you now. Watch from the stars and see that you're falling down. I will catch you now.

Jacob: Are you done?

Rachel: I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing. Be my mirror, my sword, and shield, my missionaries in a foreign field. For some reason I can't explain, I know Saint Peter won't call my name. Never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world.

Jacob: Now?

Rachel: A penny for my thoughts? Oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I'm a goner. And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing. Funny when you're dead, how people start listening.

Jacob: Please be done.

Rachel: If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses. Sink me in a river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song. The sharp knife of a short life. Well, I've had just enough time.

Jacob: _sighs_

Rachel: And now I'm done…for now.

Jacob: Good, because I think Alice would like to pitch an idea.

Rachel: Fine, let's hear it.

Alice: Yey! So, I want you to make a character named Jamie. She has the power to make anything fashionable. It's pretty epic actually.

Rachel: This will also be considered.

Emmett: Wait, does this mean you're considering Arnold?

Rachel: His name might not be Arnold, but yes.

Emmett: Yes! _happy dance_

Jacob: Okay, Nessie wants me to go shopping with her today, so we need to end this.

Rachel: Sure thing, buddy. Remember, the contest runs until 9/30/11 and voting goes until 10/14/11. I'll also post the dates on my profile. Two characters will be eliminated, and everyone else will help me annoy Jacob, then stick around forever and ever.

Jacob: I wouldn't use your favorite OCs because Rachel will get full creative control and no one knows what she's going to do with them.

Rachel: _wicked smile_

Jacob: See? Have fun making people up!

Rachel: Bye!

**Please give me as many submissions as possible! I love getting input from you guys and I really want to hear what you would think of for characters.**

**Contest ends: 9/30/11**

**Voting ends: 10/14/11**

**-Rachel**


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